Shepard's Birthday
by Arcana Mortis
Summary: What if Shepard didn't have to choose between Kaidan and Garrus? This started out as a one-shot and kind of...grew. Also, may soon acquire an actual plot! Some parts are pretty dark.
1. Shepard's Birthday

**Shepard's Birthday**

_This is the story that started it all. Initially written as a one-shot for Commander Shepard's birthday, it sort of...grew._

The apartment was cold and quiet, and Shepard sighed as the door closed behind her. It wasn't as if she'd expected a big fuss; they were in the middle of a war, after all, and there simply wasn't _time_ for everything. She would have liked a 'happy birthday' though. Just one would have done the trick. Instead, she'd spent the day running around, looking for-

Her thoughts broke off.

_There was someone in the apartment_. She tensed, stopped breathing, listened for a repeat of the movement she'd heard, sliding her pistol into her hand.

The lights came on and there was shouting – 'Happy Birthday, Shepard!' - and laughing and the gunshot was very, very loud.

She stood frozen staring at her whole crew – everyone who'd served with her from Samara to Liara. In her living room. Wearing party hats. Javik looked ridiculous and furious.

Miranda smiled and picked up the bullet where it had fallen, stopped dead by a biotic shield. She came up to Shepard and pressed it in her hand, smiling, and kissed her on the cheek.

"Happy birthday, Commander," she said, grinning. "Surprised?"

"You could say that," Shepard said, and gave Garrus a look promising dire and bloody vengeance. He could have _warned_ her, the bastard!

He grinned, unconcerned and completely unapologetic, and blew a party whistle in her direction.

Then Tali and Liara came from the kitchen, bearing a giant plate of cupcakes, and Shepard laughed helplessly.

The cupcakes were black and white and red, and arranged to shape the N7 logo on the plate.

"The black ones are levi," Tali said, pointing, "and the red ones are dextro. Eat a red cupcake and you may die. Be told."

"And the white ones?" Vega asked. "What about them?"

"They're neutral," Tali said doubtfully. "Apparently they won't cause allergic reactions in anyone. They taste terrible, though."

Only one of the cupcakes had a candle in it, and Tali handed it over to Shepard with great ceremony.

"Make a wish," Kaidan said.

So she did, and blew out the candle.

Joker, Kaidan and James started singing Happy Birthday while the aliens looked at them as though they were crazy and Shepard stood, smiling till she thought her face would crack, with a cupcake in her hand and a party hat on her head. Vega and Traynor couldn't carry a tune in a bucket but Kaidan had a surprisingly sweet tenor, and Joker…well, she was frankly awed by Joker.

"I didn't know you could sing, Joker!" she exclaimed as the song ended amid laughter.

"Told you I'm a rock star, Commander!"

Garrus came up behind her and pulled her close into the curve of his body as everyone descended on the cupcakes at once.

"Happy birthday, Shepard," he murmured in her ear, and she shivered.

"Didn't we have a talk about bedroom voice and how it should stay in the bedroom?" she whispered back.

He laughed softly in her ear and gave her a last squeeze before setting her free.

She took a bite of her cupcake and moved out of the way of the cupcake scrum, listening to the laughter of her crew. Her family.

"Human birthday celebrations are very different from the asari," Samara said, leaning against the wall next to Shepard. "Our celebrations are more dignified."

"Yeah," Joker said, strolling past with a party whistle clamped in the corner of his mouth like a cigar and a small tower of cupcakes in his hand, "but ours are more fun! Have a cupcake, Samara!"

Samara smiled indulgently, and Shepard found herself laughing again as Kasumi snatched the tip of Joker's cupcake tower away.

"Hey, give that back," he cried. "Commander, maker her give it back!'

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him.

"You're just basically twelve, aren't you?"

"Eurgh, don't remind me. Twelve was a bad year. Twenty-six major breaks. Spent half the year in traction."

"Ouch."

"Meh, it happens. Besides, I have cupcakes! EDI, I need more cupcakes for the cupcake tower!"

"Coming, Jeff," EDI said, and strolled over with two more cupcakes.

"Joker, you can't possibly eat all those cupcakes," Shepard said. "You'll be sick!"

"Watch and learn, Commander. The trick to serious cupcake eating is like serious drinking. Water. Lots of water. And frequent toilet breaks. I have to go before Kasumi comes back. See ya, Commander!"

Samara gave Shepard a companionable nod and ambled away, taking a single cupcake from the rapidly shrinking collection.

Tali and Jack were off in a corner, cupcakes in hand. They looked like they were having seizures – Shepard assumed they thought they were dancing. Crumbs were flying through the air.

"Were you surprised?" Kaidan asked, appearing at her shoulder.

"I think the gunshot is probably a good indication of how surprised I was, Major. Whose idea was this anyway?"

"You're never going to believe this, Commander. It was Garrus. He planned the whole thing. Made some pretty graphic threats about what would happen if you found out, too."

Shepard smiled. Garrus, over by the piano with Liara, looked up as if he felt the weight of her gaze, and smiled. Then he gave Kaidan a stern look before turning back to Liara.

"And that?"

"Nothing, Commander," Kaidan said in the most innocent voice she'd ever heard. She didn't believe it for a heartbeat.

"You two have some kind of plan, don't you."

"Me and Garrus? Be serious, Shepard." Kaidan's chuckle was deep and sexy, and took her back to the night before Ilos. He'd laughed just like that when she… "You alright, Commander?"

She coughed and blushed and didn't look at him. That was all over now. It had been years since they'd so much as kissed. And she should have let him go play with his biotic squad and never let him near the damn Normandy again but he was _hers_, Goddammit, even if he wasn't, anymore. Not in any way that mattered.

"Fine, Major. Go. Mingle, have some fun. Maybe you can see if Jack's tattoos go all the way down."

It was his turn to choke, and his eyes were wide as he turned to stare at her.

"Jack? Seriously, Shepard. She's _not_ my type."

She laughed at his expression and gave him a light shove.

"Go. I'm peoplewatching here, and you are violating my calm."

He laughed again and leaned in close. He smelled of musk and clean man as he kissed her on the cheek.

"Happy returns, Shepard," he murmured.

She shoved his shoulder again, mostly to cover the furious blush that spread over her entire face. Damn being so pale, anyway. No way to hide a blush from anyone who cared to look.

"My boyfriend has a sniper rifle, Alenko. Be told."

"Oh, I'm not worried about him, Commander," he said and strolled away, favouring her with an over-the-shoulder grin.

"Shoot you myself," she muttered and went to grab another cupcake.

The party was fun. There was dance music going in one of the upstairs rooms, while below people scattered themselves around the couches and the bar and the card table – where Vega appeared to be in the process of fleecing Liara and Javik. Shepard strolled among the various groups, trading laughs and jokes with everyone and collecting the small presents her crew had gotten her.

EDI, to her intense surprise, presented her with a giftwrapped package clearly marked with her name.

"Didn't you already give me something, EDI?"

"This is from Mordin, Commander. He gave it to me before Tuchanka."

The wrapping was cheerful and bright, and her name was written in both salarian and laborious human letters. Tears welled up, and she sat down and took her time opening it. At last, she had the wrapping off, and she folded it up neatly before opening the box. Inside was…she pressed her hands to her mouth, but the laughter bubbled up and out anyway, cleaning away grief and leaving only delight behind.

She lifted the salarian bobblehead, carefully customized to look just like Mordin himself, out of its packaging, and stared at it, still laughing. Only Mordin, she thought. Then her finger hit what must have been a button on the base of the statue and the figurine spread its arms and began singing, of all things, Mordin's Gilbert & Sullivan patter song, and she cracked.

She was laughing so hard she almost choked, and EDI looked at her, usually impassive face concerned.

"Are you allright," Shepard?" she asked.

It took a moment before Shepard could answer, but she nodded and waved her free hand still laughing.

"I'm fine, EDI, don't worry. It's just…"

"Doctor Solus had a fine sense of humor," EDI said, a trace of sadness in her tone. "I think he would have enjoyed your reaction."

He would have, Shepard said, carefully placing the figurine, head bobbing madly as it sang, on the mantelpiece. Mordin had always enjoyed making people laugh.

She poked the thing's head once more and went to get a cupcake, still smiling to herself. It was the last one left. The party seemed to be winding down anyway; Samara had kissed her goodbye a few minutes ago and Kasumi had, with her usual flair, decloaked long enough to wave to Shepard before vanishing again.

It had been a good birthday, she thought. She wasn't drunk, not yet. She had, in fact, just reached that perfect equilibrium of intoxication. Dunk enough, her rookie sergeant had called it once. Drunk enough to feel like you can fly, sober enough to not actually do it.

She froze in her tracks as a sweet, familiar tune started coming from the piano. A moment later Garrus was at her elbow.

"Dance, Shepard?" he asked, holding out a hand.

She met his eyes and set the cupcake down without looking, her free hand drifting into his.

"With you, Vakarian? Always."

The Moonlight Sonata wasn't properly a dance song. But then, you couldn't really call what they were doing dancing. Shepard didn't care. She leaned into Garrus and swayed with him, relaxed and safe in the circle of his arms.

"I wish all these people would leave," he murmured, bending so he could say it against her ear and send the vibrations of his voice singing through her body. "I want you to myself."

One talon traced a line up her bare back, and she shuddered and hooked her fingers in his armor to keep herself upright as her knees buckled.

"Bastard," she muttered.

"You wouldn't have me any other way, Commander," he murmured. Still with the _voice_. Still in her goddamn ear. She wished she'd never told him what his voice did to her. "Do you want to hear what I'm going to do to you once I have you alone?"

She shook her head but he told her anyway, murmuring sweet filthy nothings into her ear as they swayed to the music. His voice filled her ears and thrummed in her body and everything faded away, leaving only his body tight against hers and his voice driving her higher and higher.

She didn't hear the question, but Garrus lifted his head and said 'of course not, Major,' and put her hand into Kaidan's.

She was dazed with desire, and so she allowed Kaidan to fit her against him, still feeling the heat of Garrus' parting kiss on her cheek. She stared up at Kaidan, her eyes wide, and he gulped.

"You look…" he trailed off and they swayed together in silence. His hand burned like fire in the small of her back and the length of him was pressed against her. He wanted her.

She wanted him.

There had never been a shortage of desire between them; from the very first moment they met on the first Normandy there had been fire. She'd never even considered resisting it and, the night before Ilos, they had flung themselves into an exploration of each other. It had been glorious.

It had been too short.

Things had come between them; her death, Horizon. Garrus. But nothing could smother the spark they had. The spark that, in her lust-drunk state, was fast becoming a fire.

Kaidan dropped his head into the curve of her neck and groaned.

"God, Shepard."

His lips were moving against her skin and she could feel the warm puffs of his breath against her skin.

"Do you even know what you look like? What you smell like?" His hand clamped on her back, holding her tight against him, and she was bent backwards over it, tight as a drawn bow. Their bodies were melded together from chest to knee; she could feel his ragged breathing against her breasts. "I want you so much right now, Shepard. I want to take you right now, right here on this floor and make you scream my name."

She didn't say a word. Couldn't.

The only words in her mind right now were 'yes' and 'please' and pleas and demands that she could never voice to him again.

She closed her eyes and lifted her hand to the back of his head, tangling her fingers in his hair. And with the last of her strength, she pulled his head away. The moment she had enough room, she put her hand against his chest and pushed, slowly. A denial, not a rejection.

He didn't fight her, beyond ducking in for a quick kiss on her cheek as he moved away, and he was smiling his damn sexy smile at her as he left her alone on the dancefloor. The music had stopped. She wondered absently how long she had been desire-fogged, and decided it must have been a while, because the apartment was quiet. Empty, except for Kaidan walking away towards the door.

She didn't watch him leave.

She went to find Garrus, before she could do something stupid. More stupid.

She found Garrus in her room, candlelight gleaming on the armor lying discarded in the corner. He was sitting on the bed, running a long, thin piece of cloth between his hands. He looked up and pinned her in place with his eyes, his hand stilling on the…blindfold? His other hand dipped behind him and came up with a pair of handcuffs, gleaming cold steel in the warm golden light.

He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, blindfold dangling from one hand, cuffs from the other, and his eyes burned as he stared at her.

"Do you trust me, Shepard?"

She stood and stared at him, watching the cuffs like a mouse watching a snake, and all the naked need she'd fought against with Kaidan came slamming back into her, leaving her aching and weak-kneed.

She couldn't trust her voice, so she just nodded and held her hands out for him, shaking. He smiled and stood in front of her, smaller without his armor but still much bigger than her.

The cuffs snapped onto her wrists with a delicate clinking sound, and she looked down at her bound hands then back up at Garrus.

"The blindfold." She said. She didn't recognize her own voice, husky and raw with need. She was coming apart at the seams and he hadn't even _touched_ her yet.

He moved behind her and instead of wrapping the cloth over her eyes, he unzipped her dress. It was shoulderless and backless, and it slid off to pool at her feet in a cloud of scarlet silk.

"Garrus…"

"Shhh, Shepard. Just trust me," he said and ran his fingertips up her sides to cup her breasts. She leaned back against him and sighed softly. "We can stop anytime you want. It's important that you know that, Shepard."

She didn't say anything, just moaned softly as his fingers stroked her nipples.

"Tell me you understand, Shepard," he said, his voice at her ear again. He bit at her neck. Gently, barely even grazing his sharp teeth over her skin, but she shuddered violently, her voice breaking on his name.

"I…Oh, god, Garrus, I understand, god, please, Garrus don't stop…" He rewarded her with another nip in the curve of her neck and she shuddered into silence.

He brought the blindfold up and covered her eyes, and she sighed as he picked her up. The bed was only a step away but it was forever before he put her down. Then, gently, he pulled her arms up over her body and with a quick snap, secured her to the bedframe.

He wasn't touching her, but she could feel the heat of his gaze on her and she knew what she must look like, flushed and sweaty with golden candlelight spilling over her pale skin.

He started at her feet, stroking along the instep with a single talon, then up her leg. She shivered under his touch and arched up, needing more, but he was relentless. Up and up, skirting around the burning core of her and over her breasts, and back down. Endlessly, gently, until her skin was burning with sensation all the more intense because she couldn't _see, _couldn't know where those clever hands were going next and then, oh, then he leaned down and bit down lightly on her right nipple and everything went white.

Her entire body arched off the bed until she was supported only by head and heels, needing, demanding more, and she felt she could scream in frustration when Garrus only chuckled and stroked the flat plane of her belly soothingly.

She didn't want to be soothed. She wanted more, and she wanted it now! She sensed Garrus moving and then he was kissing her, deep and slow, just the way she liked it. The cuffs clinked as she tried to put her arms around his neck, tried to press her body against his.

The bed moved under her and she turned her head searchingly to the right, away from Garrus.

A light touch on her cheek, almost hesitant, and soft. And then someone else was kissing her. Someone human, who tasted of toothpaste and cinnamon and had a clever human tongue to play with. She kissed him back fiercely, yearning after him when he pulled back.

"Shepard," Garrus whispered in her ear, "I wanted to give you something you can remember forever. This seemed like what you wanted."

"Are you…okay with this, Commander?" Kaidan's voice, smooth as honey, as silk, right next to her ear. It hit her like a lightning bold. They'd _planned_ this, the bastards! She'd never even considered – would never even have asked…

"Shepard? Is this okay?" Garrus now, his rough hand still petting her, soothing her when the last thing she wanted was to be soothed.

She twisted and threw herself half-over Kaidan, pinning him in place as she searched blindly for his mouth. He obliged her by kissing her deeply and laying her back down. Kaidan was a good kisser, she remembered confident enough without being overbearing. This time there was something of desperation in him, though, in the way he held her face between his hands and drank her like a starving man. It drove the yearning in her ever higher and she whimpered quietly as she arched her body up. She needed more, damn it and finally she gave up and pulled away.

"I want to see you. Both of you."

Garrus took the blindfold off and she drank him with her eyes.

"Come here," she said, and would have reached out if her hands weren't tied. Garrus came close enough to kiss and she did, and it was sharp and dangerous and that was just how she liked it too.

"I was going to untie you," he said, his voice hoarse, "and leave."

Her movement was instinctive and lightning-fast. A twist of her hips and she had her legs wrapped around his waist and oh! But that was…that was very good.

"Neither of you," she said, and her voice was a feral snarl as she kept Garrus in place with her legs and stared Kaidan into motionlessness, "Is going anywhere until you finish what you started. Are we clear?"

"Crystal, Commander," Kaidan said, smiling, as Garrus said 'Anything you want, Shepard."

"Open those cuffs, then," she said, tugging at them. She wanted to touch, and hold, and…and small fireworks started going off in her belly at the suddenly predatory look in both men's faces.

"Oh, no," Kaidan said, leaning in close, one hand resting beside her bed as he smiled down at her. "This may be your party, Commander, but it's _my_ game."

"And tonight, you get to relax," Garrus murmured, untangling her legs and lying down beside her.

"Relax," she said doubtfully.

"Shhh," Kaidan said, and claimed her mouth. He was forceful, tangling his hand in her hair and pulling her close. She forgot, for a moment, that there was someone else on the bed. Until Garrus started kissing his way down her torso, hot, nibbling turian kisses, every one like a little bite. She offered him her breasts and he worshipped them with mouth and sharp-clawed hand until she was gasping and delirious again.

Then he moved down, settling himself between her thighs, and Kaidan moved down to pay homage to her breasts. The contrast between Garrus' dry heat and the hot moistness of Kaidan's mouth was enough to send her to the edge and then Garrus' incredible, clever tongue started doing things to her and she screamed as the world vanished around her.

She came back to herself an unknowable time later, and found her body sandwiched between theirs, two hands stroking her ever so gently.

"That was…"

"It looked impressive," Garrus said.

"Oh, it was just…" She shifted in delighted memory, and was pleased to note the catch in their breaths as she moved between and against them. Garrus leaned down to kiss her again and she sighed her pleasure as Kaidan's hand, tentative and soft and smooth, headed to the junction of her thighs.

She spread her legs for him, and his finger slipped inside her, making her gasp. She was aching and on edge, every inch of her body begging for…something…but Kaidan went slow, and gentle as he slid a single finger in and out. She rocked her hips and arched against his hand, moaning desperately into Garrus' mouth, but Kaidan wouldn't be rushed in this. His lips found her breasts again and she tugged uselessly on the cuffs. Garrus was kissing her neck now and murmuring…oh, god, he was talking to her in that _voice_, telling her what they were going to do to her and Kaidan _still wouldn't go any faster_!

And oh, finally Garrus moved, and settled himself between her thighs, and she broke off from kissing Kaidan to look down at Garrus.

He made penetrating her torture, inch by slow inch as she whimpered and begged and tried to make him move faster but Kaidan, that _bastard_ had a grip on her hips now and was holding her still while Garrus tortured her but at last, at last he was seated as deep as he could go. He began to move inside her, so slowly, slowly, as her body adapted to the strange shape of his, and Shepard found her breath coming in time with his thrusts.

"Beautiful," Kaidan murmured, and suddenly he was kissing Garrus, desperately, and Garrus' hands left her hips to tangle in Kaidan's hair and the sight of them did things to Shepard's insides and she needed Garrus to go faster _now_, or everything was going to be ruined.

So she snapped the cuffs and tumbled Garrus over onto his back, rising and falling to her own rhythm as she pulled Kaidan closer. She took him into her mouth, as deep as he could go and he groaned deep in his chest and grabbed at her head to hold her still.

Shepard could feel the small tremors starting, and she moaned around Kaidan as she surged against Garrus, desperate for that final push and Garrus' clever hand found the junction of her thighs and she screamed and convulsed around him. Garrus followed her, arching against her body, his claws digging into her hips and she knew he was drawing blood but right now it was spice to her pleasure and she came again, and again, waves crashing over her and receding and Kaidan was coming too, now, thrust deep in her throat, his hands convulsing on her hair as his entire body arched and when he cried out her name his voice sounded broken.

She lifted herself off Garrus with a monumental effort and sprawled next to him, pulling Kaidan down on her other side.

"Thank you," Kaidan said when his breath returned. "I…thank you, Shepard."

She slitted open her eyes to smile at him dreamily.

"Thank _you_, Kaidan," she said. "And you, Garrus."

"Yeah, no problem, Shepard." Garrus said, half-asleep already with his head on her stomach.

"I'll ah…I'll let you guys get some sleep, then" Kaidan said, and started to get off the bed.

Shepard sent Garrus flying as she lunged after Kaidan, catching him by the arm.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Home, Shepard. Back to the Normandy. You don't need me here for this."

"I need you here. My front gets all cold," she said, and grinned at him. "And besides, there's a hot tub."

"You want me to stay?"

"Shut up and get in bed, Alenko," Garrus growled, yanking Shepard back against him and making himself comfortable against her. "She's not letting you go." Kaidan stared at her, whiskey eyes wide, and she knew he'd expected to go home to his cold empty berth on the Normandy after this. She took his hand and tugged gently.

"Please, Kaidan. Will you stay?"

"I…yeah, Shepard. I guess I'll stay the night."

That wasn't what she meant, but he would learn. They were hers now, in every way that mattered.

"Happy birthday," Kaidan told her again, and dropped a kiss on her head as he climbed in beside her.

Happy Birthday indeed, she thought as she dropped off to sleep.


	2. Good Morning, Major Alenko

**Good Morning, Major Alenko**

_Okay, so this was written after Shattered. It was originally intended to come in between Turnabout and Shattered, but after consultation with my glorious beta reader VakarianGirl, I came to the conclusion that it works better just after Birthday._

_So here it is. Sappy, and happy, and, of course, full of sex._

Garrus liked waking up with humans.

They were warm and soft, and since Kaidan had started sharing the bed with him and Shepard, he never woke up cold anymore. Kaidan was a good addition to their nest; unassuming and easily content, and the addition of another male for Shepard pleased Garrus' instincts. It hadn't felt right, before. Shepard was a woman of power, a woman worthy of respect. If she had been turian, her nest would have been overflowing, and it had felt _wrong_ to Garrus, being the only one allowed to please her. This was better. Much better.

So when Garrus woke up to find Shepard gone to the shower and Kaidan's warm body curled around him, he carefully petted the other man's hair and lay staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. Human hair was still strange to Garrus. Soft, serving no useful purpose that he could see. Like a lot of things about them, really. They were a soft people. He liked it. He liked how it was different for each human, Shepard's hair soft and silky, while Kaidan's was lightly rougher and dusted with silver. He especially liked laying half-awake with a soft warm weight sprawled around him, grooming soft useless hair with his talons and knowing that he would never let harm come to them, in the sleepy way you know things in the early mornings.

When the first breathy sigh escaped Kaidan, Garrus stopped for a moment, worried he'd woken the human, but Kaidan made a sound of sleepy protest and tilted his head, seeking contact. Garrus flared his mandibles, pleased, and resumed his stroking, drawing his talons down the back of Kaidan's neck to the collar of his shirt and back up in slow, easy movements. Kaidan sighed again sleepily and threw his topmost arm and leg over Garrus' body, bringing a hardness at his thighs into contact with Garrus' own leg.

Garrus paused in his stroking again. Was Kaidan…? He remembered the vids Joker had shown him and decided that yes, Kaidan was clearly enjoying the hair stroking much more than Garrus had expected. It took less than a moment to decide to go with the moment. They were nest-brothers now, mated to the same glorious woman, and there was no reason anymore to resist temptation. He shifted onto his side, bringing the growing hardness of Kaidan's body into contact with the smooth plates of his own, and slipped his free hand – the one not playing with Kaidan's hair – up the back of the other man's shirt.

Shepard always loved having Garrus touch her back, drawing out the lines of her muscles with the tips of his talons, and this was a brilliant opportunity to find out whether it was a human thing or, like so many others, a Shepard thing.

It was either a human thing or a thing his two partners shared, because Kaidan's hands went to Garrus' shoulders, eyes still closed, and began to grind himself against Garrus' body, shivering. His back was broader than Shepard's, the muscles less sleek and more defined, and Garrus closed his eyes and concentrated on the feel of soft human skin under the tips of his fingers, memorizing the differences.

"Garrus," Kaidan whispered, and Garrus' eyes shot open to meet Kaidan's. "Are you awake?"

Options galloped through Garrus' brain. Lie? Tell the truth?

"In a manner of speaking," he finally said. "Should I…stop?" It hit him suddenly that Kaidan might take it amiss. A turian would never have cared, but humans…humans were strange, and Kaidan might not want to be touched by another male.

But Kaidan chuckled warm, deep and sleepy, and stretched, shifting his body against Garrus' most interestingly. He made a pleased sound as he rubbed against the front of Garrus' body with his own, eyes falling half-closed.

"No, you can go on. Feels…nice. Better than nice, in fact."

Garrus laughed softly and continued his ministrations, listening to the soft sounds Kaidan made, and feeling himself respond, plates shifting to allow his own rising desire some freedom.

"Kaidan," he murmured into the human's ear, and was intrigued when Kaidan shivered convulsively, hands clutching on Garrus' shoulders. "Kaidan," Garrus said again, and Kaidan moaned softly. "Can I take your shirt off?"

"Mmm," was all Kaidan said. Garrus took that for consent and pushed Kaidan away a little so he could work at the buttons down the front of his shirt. After the first time he poked a hole in it Kaidan laughed, pushed his hands away, and opened them all in short order.

Garrus propped himself up on an elbow to see better, and ran his hand under the now-open shirt, feeling the firmness of Kaidan's stomach under his hand. Kaidan took off the shirt and lay back on the bed, exposed to Garrus' eyes. He was very different from Shepard. There was a line of hair on his stomach, and Garrus ran a talon through it curiously. Kaidan made a soft sound and closed his eyes, one hand on Garrus' shoulder, the other fisting in the sheet. Kaidan's torso was smooth, his breasts flat against his chest where Shepard's stood out, and with none of the unexpected softness of her body. Garrus leaned forward and lightly bit one of the tiny brown nubs of Kaidan's nipples, and Kaidan's hand moved to the back of Garrus' head and held him in place. They were just as sensitive as Shepard's then, and Garrus' mandibles fluttered happily as he applied his tongue to one. Shepard had told him that that felt incredible, because his tongue was rougher than a human's, and from the sounds, Kaidan agreed.

"God, Garrus," Kaidan whispered. "You're really – ah!- really pretty good at this."

Garrus looked up and raised a brow plate.

"I had an excellent teacher," he murmured and leaned up to kiss Kaidan. This was different too, but also the same, and Kaidan quickly figured out how it was done. Garrus' hand wandered all over Kaidan's body, exploring. It shortly found its way under the waistband of Kaidan's pants, to the hardness there, and Kaidan's head fell back against the pillow as Garrus touched it lightly. "Kaidan," Garrus said again, and the part of Kaidan he was touching actually twitched in his hand. "Kaidan, I want to see this too."

Kaidan nodded frantically and divested himself of the pants, baring himself completely, and Garrus stared greedily.

This was where human males were most different, he thought, running a finger lightly along the firm column of flesh rising from Kaidan's body. Kaidan's hands were both fisted in the sheets now and his whole body was tense. Experimentally, Garrus wrapped his hand around Kaidan's manhood and stroked up the shaft.

A whimper escaped Kaidan and he yearned upwards with his whole body.

"I…Garrus, God, you're such a fucking _tease_," he whispered, and Garrus chuckled. Then he leaned forward and licked a slow path up the trembling flesh and was incredibly gratified when Kaidan started babbling incoherent pleas. The human stopped breathing when Garrus swirled his tongue around the top of it, and Garrus stopped, looking up at him in concern.

"Kaidan, are you okay? Should I not do that?"

"Oh, God, Garrus, don't stop, for the love of – "Kaidan lapsed into silence as Garrus bent his head again, exploring the taste of him. The contrasts in that single part of Kaidan were amazing, the skin smooth as silk over twitching hardness, the top part yielding and soft, and all tasting faintly sweet, the way humans did. Garrus closed his eyes and focussed on his other senses, drinking in the taste and smell of his partner, the sound of Kaidan's breath catching in his throat and coming in desperate pants.

He stopped when Kaidan's hands started pulling him away.

"Not good?" he asked.

Kaidan laughed, breathless and flushed.

"Too good. God, Garrus."

Garrus laughed, and Kaidan twitched again.

"God, that _voice_," he muttered. He lay there, panting, for a little while, then gently shoved Garrus over on his back. "My turn," he said.

Garrus lay back and let Kaidan look his fill, watching the human's eyes move over his body greedily. Then Kaidan started touching him. He was more timid than Shepard had been the first time, his touch so light that Garrus sometimes couldn't feel his fingers at all. The human ran a fingertip around the edges of Garrus' torso plates, featherlight on the skin it bordered, and Garrus sucked in a deep breath when Kaidan slipped one hand under his head, to touch and stroke the soft, sensitive skin below his fringe. His eyes closed of his own volition and he sighed, relaxing into the touch.

"Been taking lessons from Shepard too?" Garrus murmured, and was rewarded with a soft laugh.

"Been watching a lot of porn," Kaidan confessed, and stroked a line of fire down the join in Garrus' crotch plates.

Garrus' hands clenched, one hand's talons slicing into the sheets, the other digging into Kaidan's shoulder. The human yelped, and Garrus took his hand away hurriedly.

"I'm sorry," he gasped, "did I hurt you?" He regarded the bloody stripes mournfully.

"Did I hurt _you_?" Kaidan asked nervously.

Garrus chuckled.

"Ah, no. That's…pretty much the opposite of hurting. But you're-"

"I'm fine, Garrus, don't worry about it," Kaidan said, and resumed his gentle, teasing touches on the back of Garrus' head.

Garrus let his head fall back again and carefully placed both hands on the bed. Shepard would be upset if he covered Kaidan in cuts.

"Can I…?" Kaidan asked and, when Garrus nodded, returned his attention to his body. Garrus closed his eyes again and luxuriated in the feel of the other man's hands on him, touching and exploring. Kaidan's hands were soft, softer than a turian's would have been, and gentler than Shepard's. Garrus found he liked it.

His body liked it too, his crotch-plates parting all the way to free his arousal, but Kaidan ignored the obvious, touching the edges of the plates. Exploring Garrus' body, as Garrus had explored his.

And then, suddenly, his manhood was enveloped in slick wet heat and Garrus keened high and broken and tried to thrust upwards into Kaidan's mouth. But Kaidan was stronger than his gentle hands made him seem and kept Garrus' hips firmly on the bed as he licked his way up and down Garrus' shaft.

When he looked up, lips wrapped around Garrus, his eyes were dancing with wicked delight, and then he bent his head again and set to work in earnest.

Garrus closed his eyes again. If he looked down – if he saw that dark head moving on him, he would embarrass himself right that moment. The sensations were…incredible. Nothing like what Shepard did, and yet exactly the same in all the right ways.

Garrus heard himself start to pant and fisted his hands in the sheets again.

"Mind if I join you?" Shepard asked from beside the bed, and Garrus' eyes flew guiltily open.

"Shepard! I…ah…"

Kaidan merely lifted his head and smiled lazily at her, licking his lips while he stroked Garrus.

"You're just in time, Shepard," he said.

Shepard smiled, her eyes sparkling. She was naked and damp from her shower, and Garrus wondered how much she'd heard from in there. From the desire-smell covering her, he suspected she'd heard very nearly everything.

He reached out to her, stroking a talon down her flank, and she closed her eyes and shuddered.

"You could have joined sooner, you know," he said. "We wouldn't have minded."

Shepard let Kaidan help her onto the bed, thighs on either side of Garrus' body, the slick core of her _almost_ touching him. She laughed and leaned forward to plant a kiss on Garrus' chest.

"If I'd had more self-control," she said huskily, "I wouldn't have joined at all. But you two sounded so-" She broke off with a low moan as Kaidan pushed down on her hips, impaling her on Garrus, and Garrus groaned as she enfolded him. His hands went to her hips almost instinctively, but Kaidan slapped them away.

"Hold still," he said, grinning wickedly, and moved until he was behind Shepard. He picked up her hands and put them behind her head. "Both of you." He reached around to cup Shepard's breasts and her eyes fell closed as she leaned back against him.

Garrus met Kaidan's eyes. The human spectre was smiling at him over Shepard's shoulder, almost a grin.

"Kaidan," Garrus said. "I want to…"

"Relax, Garrus," Kaidan said. "Enjoy the show."

It was a hell of a show, he had to admit. Shepard was arched backwards, still enfolding Garrus in her wet heat, and every movement transmitted itself through their joined flesh as Kaidan tormented her breasts, pinching and rolling her nipples between his fingers before stroking languidly up and down her body. Shepard's face was almost calm, her eyes closed and her full bottom lip caught in her teeth as she submitted to Kaidan's caresses. When he moved one hand to her lower belly, and then to where she was joined with Garrus, those ripe lips began to move, shaping soundless pleas while her hands clenched on the back of her neck. Garrus groaned and thrust helplessly into her while Kaidan played with her, and Shepard went over the edge with a short, sharp cry. The incredible sensations when she climaxed, every muscle in her body tensing and relaxing in waves, was almost secondary to the _sight_ of her, the flush making its way across her body, the almost-pained expression on her face as she arched her back, the muscles in her arms standing out clearly as she fought to keep her hands still, and gasped and moaned and writhed.

Kaidan kept her at her peak longer than Garrus would have expected, and when her eyes finally opened she looked dazed.

"You boys certainly know how to show a girl a good time, don't you," she said.

"It's not over yet, Shepard," Kaidan said, kissing the back of her neck. "Lean forward for me."

She obeyed, collapsing bonelessly on top of Garrus and beginning to kiss him lazily. Garrus took her face in his hands and deepened the kiss, and she moaned softly.

Kaidan was doing something behind her, something Garrus couldn't see, but he could _feel_ that something was going on. He broke the kiss and tried to look, but Shepard was having none of it.

"Shepard," Kaidan asked, leaning over to rain kisses along her spine. "Can I…"

Shepard broke away from Garrus, gasping.

"God, yes, Kaidan. Just…slowly…"

Kaidan laughed softly.

"Don't worry, Shepard," he said. "We've got all the time in the world."

"Guys?" Garrus asked. "What's going on?"

"It's a human thing, Garrus," Shepard said. "I don't think turians do-ah!"

She hid her face in his neck, panting, her hands clenching on his upper arms. And Garrus could feel Kaidan sliding into her body with him, could feel him moving inside her, rubbing against Garrus through a thin layer of skin.

Behind Shepard Kaidan's face was blank with concentration, his lower lip caught in his teeth as he moved slowly, slowly deeper until he was buried all the way inside her. He raised his eyes from the curve of Shepard's back and smiled at Garrus.

Shepard's hands relaxed and she raised her head. Her lips were bright red from kissing, the lower one swollen where she'd bitten it.

"Yeah, turians…"Garrus managed as he shifted just to feel the amazing sensation of Shepard surrounding him and Kaidan both, "turians don't do _that_."

Shepard laughed softly and kissed him again.

"Their loss," she said.

Kaidan leaned over her. He was enough taller than her that his mouth was at her ear when he did that, and before his face disappeared from Garrus' view he winked.

"Shepard, are you listening?" he asked, and his voice was deeper than before, husky with need and promising dark delights. Garrus shuddered to hear it.

So did Shepard.

"I…I'm listening, Kaidan," she said, her eyes vague.

"Remember how I said I want to make you scream my name? I was wrong. I just want to make you scream for me."

"Won't" she said.

Garrus laughed. So stubborn.

"Oh," he said into the ear closest to him. "I think we can make her scream, don't you, Kaidan?"

Shepard's entire body shuddered and she exhaled with a little 'ah' of pleasure as the sound of Garrus' voice sent her tumbling over the edge again.

"Do you have any idea what you feel like to me?" Garrus asked, moving languidly under her. "So hot. Slick wet heat and all I want to do is bury myself in you to the hilt, over and over again, never leave your body again."

Shepard started a soft, rhythmic whimpering as Garrus and Kaidan began moving in tandem, smooth slow thrusts that teased themselves as much as her. It was like nothing Garrus had ever felt; he was fucking Kaidan as much as they were both fucking Shepard, and Kaidan's hands were over his on Shepard's hips. It was like they were one creature, the two of them, with Shepard between them, joining them.

Neither of them stopped talking. Garrus didn't even care what he was saying anymore, it was an incoherent babble of pleas and curses and Shepard's name and Alenko's, and Shepard was making sounds he'd never heard before, high helpless whimpers in the back of her throat as they teased her and she couldn't do a damn thing about it.

Garrus' hands tightened on Kaidan's as he began to move faster, and then they were both slamming into Shepard had and fast, and Shepard came apart in their arms with a broken wail, shaking and shivering.

"Spirits, Shepard," Garrus groaned as he buried himself to the hilt in her flesh, arching his back up off the bed as she moaned incoherently, and everything went white around him as he and Kaidan followed her off the edge.

When he came back to himself Shepard and Kaidan were just starting to stir.

"My God," Shepard said quietly. "That was…"

"Something else," Garrus finished. "Kaidan. Thank you."

Kaidan blushed bright red and vanished into the bathroom without a word.

Shepard slipped off Garrus, to lay beside him.

"It amazes me how he can be so shy and then in bed he's so…" Shepard said.

Garrus made a sound of agreement. The dualities of human nature was not something that was of pressing interest to him at the moment.

Shepard's intercom chimed.

"Commander Shepard?" Liara's voice came over the comm. "Did you forget about our meeting?"

"Meeting?" Shepard asked blankly.

"Yes, Commander," Liara said testily. "The one about the Prothean artefact on Eden Prime? You were supposed to see me fifteen minutes ago."

Shepard's eyes were wide and her lips shaped the words 'oh, _shit_,' but her voice was perfectly calm as she replied.

"Um…sorry, Liara. I guess I overslept. Just give me ten minutes and I'll be there."

The moment she signed off, Shepard was out of bed, glaring at Garrus.

"This is all your fault," she said. "You and that damn biotic sex god of yours!"

"Biotic sex god?" Kaidan asked, emerging from the bathroom. "I like _that_."

"Shut up, Alenko. I was supposed to be in Liara's office fifteen minutes ago. And I need another shower!"

Kaidan laughed and kissed her as she protested. He was grinning when he collapsed next to Garrus on the bed.

"Do you have any urgent appointments?" he asked. "Just so I know before I get comfortable."

Garrus shrugged.

"I have some calibrations to do, but I can stay a while longer."

"Excellent," Kaidan said, and made himself comfortable with his head on Garrus' shoulder. He yawned. "God, now I'm sleepy."

"Hmmm. Kaidan, I've been wondering. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Garrus. Anything."

"Your…um," Garrus gestured toward Kaidan's waist.

"My…man-parts?" Kaidan asked.

"Yes, those! Where do they go? When you're not using them, I mean."

Kaidan looked down.

"Um. They just sort of…hang around. They don't go anywhere. Why?"

Garrus stared, appalled.

"They just _stay_ out there? Where anyone can get at them?"

Kaidan nodded.

"But…how do you people even fight? You're squishy all over and now you're telling me that your most vulnerable parts are right out in the open where anyone can take them out of play!"

"Well…they're pretty vulnerable. But mostly hitting below the belt is against the rules."

Garrus choked.

"You have _rules_ in hand-to-hand? No _wonder_ your marines can never beat anyone."

Kaidan laughed.

"We do okay. Don't turians have rules?"

"Beyond the standard No Ripping Off Of Limbs…not really, no. Oh, children do, when they first start, but that's just so they don't get hurt too badly. But adults? Not so much." After all, turians weren't squishy like humans.

"Hmm. That's strange."

"Kaidan, do you believe in God? I remember Ashley telling me that some humans believe in this great Being that created them?"

"Um…I guess so? Why?"

"You should have a word with him," Garrus said smugly. "You people are badly designed."

Kaidan laughed.

"Ha! Just wait till you hear about our air and food intake pipes. Any other questions?"

"These symbols on your clothes. Are they religious?"

Kaidan looked down, then incredulously back up to Garrus.

"Garrus. Are you trying to tell me you don't know who _Superman_ is?"

Garrus shrugged.

"I take it it's a human thing?"

Kaidan stared.

"You just stay right there," he said, and activated his omnitool. It projected a book on the ceiling. "We are going to _educate_ you, Vakarian."

"It was just an innocent question," Garrus said.

Kaidan stared at him.

"Shh. Read. There may be a quiz at the end. And if you answer all the questions correctly, there may be a…special prize." The twinkle in Kaidan's eye made the direction of his thoughts quite clear.

Garrus thought of hot mouths and clever human fingers, and settled down to read. Let nobody ever say that Garrus Vakarian couldn't focus on his studies, given the right…_motivation_


	3. Turnabout is Fair Play

**Turnabout is Fair Play**

_In which Shepard gets her revenge...in a manner of speaking..._

The summons was…official. And unexpected. 'Major Alenko to the Captain's quarters immediately' did not leave much room for interpretation.

Kaidan tried not to worry, but the elevator was damn slow. Too much time to think, and wonder – had Shepard finally decided to take him to task for what happened at…after her birthday party? But she'd seemed to like it, even insisted he stay!

It must be something else. Something he'd done, or said. There was no mistaking the tone of her voice on the announcement. She was pissed off, and if he could figure out _why_ that would help.

Finally, _finally_, the damn elevator stopped, and he stepped out. Shepard's door was closed, blinking red.

He touched the access panel and it slid open immediately. The room was in darkness, the only illumination coming from the fishtank. It lent everything a soothing blue glow.

Kaidan stepped inside, searching for Shepard. Something strange was going on here.

"Major Alenko," a soft, deadly voice said from the shadows. "Took your time, didn't you?"

"I, ah, sorry. Commander."

"I don't like to be kept waiting, Alenko." He heard a slither of movement. She could see him, he knew, standing illuminated next to the fish tank. Search as he may, though, he couldn't see her. His heart beat a rapid tattoo in his chest, and his breath quickened.

"Commander," he said again

Light touch to the back of his neck. A stroke, just enough to make him shiver, but when he turned around there was no-one there.

"You and Garrus think you're so smart," Shepard murmured, and it sounded like her voice was coming from right beside him. He resisted the urge to look, staring straight in front of him. "You had me just where you wanted me, didn't you? Oh, you won that round, Alenko. But it's _my_ game now."

He nodded jerkily and invisible teeth nipped at his ear. Kaidan gasped, shivers shooting down his spine, and his fists clenched. She was going to insist on cuffing him like they had her, he thought, bone-deep terror and arousal racing through him. She was going to insist, and he was either going to have to _let_ her or lose…he couldn't think it. Couldn't imagine losing the warm intimacy she and Garrus had given him.

He couldn't imagine willingly allowing someone to put restraints on him either.

"Take it off, Major," Shepard commanded from the shadows. "Slowly."

_This_ he could do, he thought, and obeyed with shaking hands. He'd undressed for women before, but never for one who mattered as much as this one did. Never for any who mattered at all. He made a production of it, sliding the jacket off. Following it, slowly, teasingly, with his shirt. Invisible licks and nibbles covered every new inch of skin he exposed and he groaned and made himself go slowly, making it last. This was good, this was okay. This was better than good.

He moaned as insubstantial fingers joined the playful mouth, tracing the lines of muscle on his chest, and forgot for a moment what he was doing when the clever, clever finger traced a circle around his nipple.

"God, Shepard…"

"The shirt, Major," she said, and the hands and mouth faded.

Kaidan yanked the shirt the rest of the way off and didn't waste time playing around with his pants or boots.

A few moments later he was naked, and he could feel her eyes on him. The hands were back, stroking his shoulders, his arms, the lines of his chest and he was hard as a fucking _rock_, just standing there under her scrutiny with his hands in bruising fists at his side. The invisible touches; her cool smooth voice, they conspired to drive his old fears away.

"Lie down on the bed," she commanded. "On your back."

He obeyed instantly, arousal fading as old fears resurfaced.

He clenched the sheets in his hands, glad for something solid to hold onto, and stared grimly at the ceiling. He could do this. If the price for the way he'd tricked her was this, he _would_ do it for her. He'd let Shepard do anything she could imagine to him. He could trust Shepard. She wouldn't hurt him.

His heart and mind knew that, but his body couldn't stop the flinch when he heard her move and with her, the vicious _clink_ of handcuffs. Click, click, went the steel links against each other and he was shaking and terrified with nowhere to go.

He closed his eyes as the bed dipped under Shepard's weight and bit his lips to stop 'please, no' from escaping.

"Kaidan?" she asked softly. Gone was the smoothness, the commanding tone that had brought him to the brink of pleasure and awakened so many old fears. She sounded shaken. "Kaidan, are you…afraid?"

It could have sounded mocking, but it didn't. She was afraid now, and it prompted him to open his eyes and look at her.

"No, I'm fine. I can do this, Commander."

She shook her head and touched his chest, and he shuddered helplessly under her hand. It wasn't fear this time, but she couldn't know that. She flinched.

"Don't lie to me, Kaidan," she said, and the steel and silk was back in her voice for a moment. He gasped, and his now-flaccid flesh twitched. "Tell me what's wrong. I don't…I don't want to…"

"Commander, it's okay, really," he said. "I'll be fine. Just old boring stories. Carry on."

"Kaidan, I'm not going to rape a man who's obviously terrified," she snapped. "What kind of monster do you think I am?"

He sucked in a deep, shuddering breath and tried to control the sudden tears, but she noticed anyway.

"Oh, God. Kaidan I'd never-"she stopped talking. "I…Kaidan, I don't know what to do here. Is there something…"

He shook his head helplessly, dismally aware that he'd ruined everything. The mood was gone beyond recovery and Shepard would be asking all kinds of awkward questions and…

"Kaidan? Is it okay if I touch you?"

"Please, Shepard," he said, and reached out a hand. "I'd like to…try. For you. Can we try?"

She looked dubious.

"Only if you tell me which part of what I did was scaring you. I don't want to hurt you, Kaidan, and I swear if I'd known…"

If she had known she would never had touched him.

"It was the cuffs," he managed.

Shepard looked startled and lifted the handcuffs from where she'd dropped them on the bed. This time, she noticed the way his entire body flinched at the sound.

She hurled them far away, into a corner of the room.

"They didn't seem to bother you when they were on me," she remarked, and he closed his eyes against the flood of vivid memories. That night had been…glorious.

"You could have broken them any time you wanted," he said. "You were never really bound."

"And that…makes a difference?"

He nodded.

"Wait here," she commanded, and scrambled off the bed. She returned in seconds, holding the blindfold Garrus had used on her. "Arms up, Alenko."

He shuddered and held his hands together above his head. She wrapped the thin cloth around them, loosely, and smiled down at him.

"There. If you want to stop, if it's getting too much…you're not really bound. Will that do, do you think?"

He nodded and smiled up at her. He could see her confidence coming back and when she grinned at him it had a dark edge that thrilled him.

"Of course, if you move your hands, I'll take that as a signal to stop," she said, and the silk and steel was back in her voice as she dragged a single finger down the centre of his chest to swirl it around his belly button. "And I'll stop. And Alenko?"

It took him a moment to realise that she was waiting for a response. Her finger was stroking to and fro between his navel and the root of his manhood, setting his skin on fire.

"I, ah…yes, Commander?"

"When I stop, I won't touch you again for the rest of the night. Are we clear? I said, are we clear, Major?"

God help him, his entire body jerked at the tone in her voice and he stared at her.

"Crystal, Commander," he managed.

"Very good," she purred, and took away her hand. The phantom hands replaced it, playing over his body, making it sing. Now that he could see her, he could see the faintest of blue glows around her. It didn't matter.

The hands were everywhere, teasing him from head to toe except for the one place he would have _really_ liked them to be. The teasing hands and Shepard's silken voice had him hard again, his heart hammering in his chest, his breath coming in short pants.

"Shepard, I want…"

"Have patience, Alenko," she said, and leaned down to kiss him.

He wanted nothing more than to bring down his arms and wrap them around her, pulling her close. Instead he worshipped her mouth with his own, moaning deep in his throat when one of her ghost hands stroked the length of him, leaving him arched from the bed and begging for more.

Shepard pulled away and moved her attention to the side of his throat, licking and biting the sensitive spot there. The weight of her breasts was warm against the side of his chest and between nibbles she whispered in his ear, her sinful voice filling his mind with images.

Once again, it took him awhile to realise that she'd asked a question.

She laughed softly when he asked her to repeat it.

"I asked," she said slowly and clearly," what you want."

"You," he said, and his voice was ragged and husky with need. "_Please_, Shepard. I want…I need…oh, God Shepard, _please_ let me, let me just…"

He was incoherent, and begging, and it didn't matter because Shepard sat up and put one leg over his body.

He yearned upwards, desperately seeking the moistness at the junction of her thighs. It was so close now, and her hand burned where she put it in the centre of his chest for balance.

She fixed him with a stern look and sank down just a little, just enough that he could actually _feel_ her, and his body jerked upwards against his will. She was quick, though, and very good, because if he gained as much as a millimetre of depth with his desperate manoeuvre, Kaidan would have been deeply surprised.

She swatted at him. Lightly, enough to sting without really hurting.

"We can stop any time you want, you know that?"

He nodded frantically, desperately yearning, and she smiled at him.

"Good. Then lie still and let me do this."

His bound hands were in fists and his eyes closed as he brought his body under control. He was on the very edge, had been for what seemed like forever, and holding absolutely still had never been this hard in his life.

Shepard sank down on him slowly, all wet heat and slickness, and Kaidan could feel himself starting to fall, but she didn't move. Just smiled at him, her gleaming white, gleeful smile, and began, painfully slowly, to lift up.

Kaidan found himself growling deep in his throat and, with her sweet husky laugh in his ear, he snapped.

His hands tore free and clamped down on her hips, yanking her against him until he was buried hilt-deep inside her and she gasped, her eyes widening.

The gasp turned into a breathless laugh as he tumbled her onto her back, following her down without ever leaving her body, and came to rest on top of her.

Kaidan was hardly aware of what was going on now. He needed, he _wanted_ and oh, god, she was so warm in his arms and his hips snapped forward without his volition as he buried himself in her willing flesh again and again.

He could hear, distantly, her breathing grow ragged, change to panting whimpers that pleased his hindbrain immensely. Her fingers were clawed against his back and she surged to meet every thrust until, with a wailing cry, she came apart around him and oh, she was clenching down on him and he couldn't stop and he may or may not have screamed as he came, but he would never know because pleasure was drowning out every other sensation and there was no thought, only a timeless moment of darkness.

He came back to himself, exhausted, with Shepard's legs still wrapped around him and his head buried in the sweet curve of her neck.

Her fingers were buried in his hair, stroking him as though he was a cat, and when he lifted his head she was regarding him with a fond, thoughtful smile.

"I, ah, I guess I broke the rules, didn't I," he said.

Shepard laughed.

"I guess neither of us is good at rules."

"I used to be good at rules," he said, kissing her cheek. "You've corrupted me, Shepard."

She laughed again.

"Kaidan, shut up and go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning and we can talk about…anything you need talked about. Okay?"

He nodded and moved off her, but only far enough that he could properly use her as a pillow – coincidentally putting his head in easy stroking distance.

It occurred to him to worry about tomorrow.

He couldn't find it in himself to care.

He drifted off to sleep, Shepard's fingers stroking his hair in a gentle, soothing rhythm.


	4. Shattered

**Shattered**

_**Author's Notes**_

_This is where we find out why Kaidan freaked out in Turnabout is Fair Play_

**Trigger Warning: This story contains a graphic depiction of non-consensual sex, as well as mentions of child and drug abuse.**

_A number of people have PM'd and left reviews about this chapter. I understand that people would like to avoid it if they can, and that's fair enough. If you wish to skip the aforementioned non-con and assorted darkness, please move to the next chapter, which is a short summary of what happens in Shattered, for those who wish to continue reading without subjecting themselves to this, extremely dark chapter. _

_Please note that after Catharsis, things will start to go a lot better for everyone._

Shepard heard him coming before he spoke. Turians: not so very stealth.

"What's up, Garrus?" she asked, turning to smile up at him. She was doing paperwork. Requisitions and statistics and she would give her left arm for a break.

He sat down next to her, his body language nervous and worried.

"Shepard, what's going on with Kaidan?" he asks, his eyes on his hands. "I tried to talk to him but…"

"Honestly, Garrus, I have no clue."

"I don't want to bother you with this," he said. "We shouldn't be burdening you. I mean…ah, it's hard to explain. We should be able to sort ourselves. Sort out our issues, I mean. But Shepard, I'm concerned. Since the other night…"

She nodded. Since the night she and Kaidan had spent alone the major had not been himself. She was worried too; worried that she may have pushed him too far, reopened old wounds.

"What's he done this time?"

"He's locked himself into Life Support. EDI says he's drinking. A lot. I tried to talk to him, but…"

"Shit." This was not what she had meant when she said she wanted a break. "I'll go talk to him. Thanks, Garrus." She kissed him once, sweet and slow, and shoved her feet back into her shoes.

"Shepard."

"Yeah?" She looked back over her shoulder and he touched the side of her face with a gentle talon.

"Be careful. Kaidan's…not in a good place right now. Whatever happened between the two of you…Shepard, he's angry. I don't think he's angry at you, but he won't talk to me about it."

She nodded.

She cursed herself in the elevator. Damn right, Kaidan wasn't in a good place. And who had put him there? She should noticed his fear earlier, tried to talk him down. Or she should have talked to him the next morning, find out what was wrong. But she hadn't. There had been a Cerberus assault, and one damn thing after another, and she just hadn't had _time_ to make him talk to her. Nor, to tell the truth, had she had much inclination. People should be allowed their secrets. But this was _it_. This time Kaidan was going to tell her what his problem was, or he would be off the Normandy. No matter what she might want. She couldn't allow her personal feelings for him to endanger the mission and if…if he couldn't be okay here. Maybe it _would_ be better for him to be somewhere else. Somewhere where whatever had gone wrong between them – and she _knew _it was between her and Kaidan; she'd heard him and Garrus while she was in the shower two days ago and the whispers and not-quite-silent moans and the one piecing cry of _Garrus, God_ had driven her almost wild – wasn't in the air every second.

There were, she reflected bitterly as she stepped out of the elevator, rules about fraternization for a reason.

"EDI," she said. "Open this door and turn off your cameras inside Life Support."

"Shepard, I do not think that ceasing observation would be wise. Major Alenko-"

"It's an order, EDI. You don't debate it, you just do it." She was sorry almost immediately, but she didn't let it show.

"Very well, Shepard."

The door slid open and she stepped inside, letting it slide closed behind her. It was darker than the rest of the ship here; a holdover from Thane and his sensitive eyes.

"Alenko? Kaidan?"

"Shepard. What do you want?"

He was at Thane's old desk, his feet up and a bottle of something she could smell from where she stood in his hand, more than half empty.

"Kaidan," she said, coming closer, leaning against the wall. "What's going on?"

"Just remembering, Commander," he said, and fixed her in place with his eyes. She'd never seen his face this cold. "Got some truly excellent memories to go through here, so you can show yourself out."

"Kaidan, you're drunk."

He started laughing, his feet hitting the floor with a thump as he leaned forward to stare at her. His hands were on his wrists now, rubbing absently.

"Drunk? Shepard, you have no idea. Just leave."

"No."

"Shepard, please. I can't deal with you right now. I'll talk to you later." His voice was flat, his eyes on his hands. He didn't look at her.

"Kaidan, you've been skulking around my ship like a dark fucking cloud full of angst and I want to know what is going on with you right the hell now!"

"You wouldn't understand," he spat, scowling down at his hands.

"How can you expect me to understand if you don't tell me? I'm sick and tired of your bullshit, Major. Shape up, or ship out."

His head came up with a snap and suddenly, suddenly she's pinned to the wall by his body and his voice is in her ear.

"I have a better idea, Commander," and he puts a sneer like nothing she's ever heard from him into his voice. "Let's just…" and he kisses her, rough and violent while he grinds against her body.

She struggles for air, for freedom, and gets her mouth free.

"Kaidan, stop this. Just hold on a…Kaidan damn it, I said NO!" and she shoves him back and punches him in the face.

He lands on the floor, his hand going to his bloody mouth as he stares up at her. Then he grins at her with bloody teeth and he looks wild, looks fucking _feral_ and Shepard is suddenly terrified. Before she can move he's back on his feet, the length of his body pressed against hers and he's talking in her ear, low, fast, hot with rage.

"You want to know what's _wrong _with me, Shepard? You want all the sordid little details, do you? You want to know why I'm upset, why I wouldn't let you use the handcuffs? Want me to tell you what happened after Brain Camp? Maybe I shouldn't tell you. Maybe I should _show _you. Tie you up so you can't move and fuck you raw, and not stop, not ever, not unless I want to, no matter how much you scream. And leave you on the floor in your own blood and bring back some friends to help me, lend you out to them, make you a whore. Teach you to strip and how to fuck a woman, a man, two men, any way they want, any time they want, _anywhere they_ _fucking want_. And maybe I should tell you that if you're really, really good, if you suck my cock just right, you'll have something other than come to eat tonight. Would you like that, Shepard? And I'll teach you that you can never run far enough, or fast enough, and I'll always find you, always bring you back because goddammit I take care of you, don't I? Don't I feed you, Kaidan, baby, don't I bring you nice things? Don't I give you the stuff, Kaidan, the stuff that makes you feel so good? Show me you love me, Kaidan. Crawl for me. Beg for me. Yeah, maybe I should show you, Shepard."

And his hands are at her waist now and he rips off her pants like they're made of tissue paper. And Shepard's crying now, _god, she didn't know_ and she has to stop him before he does something…but she looks into his eyes and there's nothing human left there. Nothing except rage and horror and the kind of fear that can drive you mad. And lust. He's burning up with lust and need and fear and she has to calm him down somehow. And Shepard remembers her father's rages and what her mother – and later Shepard – had done to keep him from turning violent. It's a choice you make, her mother had said, when leaving isn't an option. You choose, you turn the violence into something else, and that helps. Not a lot. Just enough that the next morning you can look at yourself in the mirror again. That you _have_ a next morning.

So she shoves him back just enough to sink to her knees and looks up at him through her lashes as she deftly opens his pants and takes him into her mouth. She's good at this, she can keep a man at the edge for hours while she has her fun, but tonight isn't about fun. It's about survival, and not just hers. She knows what it's like, carrying that kind of secret, knows what it can do to you. Knows what can happen when your shell cracks. When she had broken, years ago, three men had died.

So she sucks him in deep and fast, and his hands come down on her head and tangle in her hair. He holds her still and fucks her mouth, deep, deeper, deepest, and it's all she can do to keep from choking, to keep breathing. Kaidan is cursing, incoherent and vicious, his one hand in her hair and the other keeping him upright against the wall. His trusts shove her head back against the wall in a solid, painful rhythm. She'll have a knot there tomorrow.

And she thinks for a moment that this will be enough, as his trusts become closer together and more violent and he stops talking and just pants. But his hand clenches in her hair and he pulls her upright and slams her against the wall so hard she sees stars for a moment. She knows what's coming now and she thinks he's prepared, but she's _not_, she should have remembered you can never be prepared and when he thrusts into her it's like a battering ram and she muffles a scream in the skin of his neck.

He doesn't hear or doesn't care. He's too far gone into the dark place and she whimpers as his body slams into hers again and again and she closes her eyes and just holds on. It hurts, oh it _hurts_ and she can't catch her breath but she whispers to him anyway 'it's okay, Kaidan, this is okay, get it out, let it out, you're okay, we're okay," croons it in his ear when she has the breath for it, and lets the tears come.

She keeps saying it when he bends her over the table and takes her from behind, and when he hurls her to the floor and drives the breath out of her with his sold weight, snarling down at her with all his demons laid bare in his eyes, and she puts her hands in his hair and strokes him gently, murmuring reassurance at him that she knows he can't hear. She knows he's close when he drops his head to the curve of her neck and bites down _hard_ and she screams again as he stiffens against her because she's certain he's drawn blood.

He goes limp on top of her. Unconscious, she thinks, and drops her head back to the floor and sighs. She squirms out from under him and climbs to her feet. Her legs are shaking and she hurts everywhere, and there are spots of blood on her thighs, on the floor, on the wall. When she raises her hand to her neck and the back of her head it comes away wet too.

Her trousers are ruined and her underwear not worth salvaging but she makes a pad of them and sits down gingerly against the wall, where Kaidan can see her when he wakes up. It's a while before he stirs. Long enough that Shepard is growing cold. She's leaning her head against the wall, carefully avoiding the split skin at the back, and staring into space when he moves, and she can't stop herself from flinching a bit.

He doesn't seem to notice. He has this expression on his face, like nothing she's ever seen before, and a moment later he's scuttled away, pressing himself against the opposite wall and staring at her.

"Oh, God. Oh, Shepard, what did I do?" His eyes drift from her face to her bloodstained neck and finally down to the remnants of blood on her legs, and his face crumbles. "Oh. Oh, no. no, no, no. Oh, shit. Shepard. I'm so sorry. Do you – I'll get Chakwas.. Oh, god. I'm…I'll resign my commission. I'll…if you want to bring charges. I won't fight them. Shit, Shepard, you're bleeding!" He tears a strip off his shirt and tries to offer it to her, but Shepard raises a hand.

"Kaidan, sit down."

"I-"

"I said. Sit. Down," and she puts Commander Goddamn Shepard in her voice because right now, she needs that woman, that woman who has never known weakness or made a mistake.

Kaidan sits back down and, after a moment, manages to look her in the eye.

"I'm not going to file charges."

"You should-"

"I'm _talking_, Kaidan."

"Sorry, I'm sorry-"

"If you say you're sorry one more time I'll hit you again. Now shut up and let me talk, okay? Good." Shepard draws a deep shuddering breath and closes her eyes for a moment. "What happened here…nobody's coming out of this smelling like roses, Kaidan. What you did was wrong. But I could have stopped you. Could have, and didn't. This was _my_ choice. And I refuse to let you make me into a victim. Are we clear?"

"Shepard, I-"

"I've been here before, Kaidan, sitting in my own blood on a cold floor with bruises on my bruises. I was a victim then. I didn't have options then. This time, I chose to let you do this. I chose to let you use my body to exorcise your demons. _I_ chose."

"But I _hurt_ you, Shepard!" He hides his face in his hands and his voice is muffles when he continues. "I _hurt_ you. And you tried to stop me. And I told you…I threatened to…"

"You threatened to do to me what was done to you, didn't you? After you killed that man at Brain Camp."

He nods, still hiding his face, as the poison starts pouring out.

"His name was…Brian. Or that's what he told me. I'd run away – I came home on leave while they were reorganizing and I just couldn't take my parent's faces every time they looked at me, you know? So I ran, and I didn't have any food, or any money. And I met Brian. He took me home to his wife – god, I never even knew her name. Shy little mouse of a woman. And for a couple of days everything was fine. And I woke up one day and they must have drugged me or something because I wasn't in the room they had given me, and I was tied…tied up. And Brian came in."

"He raped you, didn't he."

"Is it rape if you're begging for it? Is it rape if you crawl for it?"

"It can be," she says carefully.

"Well, I was. Crawling for it. I was high on something and I needed, _god_, I needed to be touched so bad. And after a while he started bringing his friends, then random strangers…anyone with the money. And I was glad to do it because if I didn't I didn't get the drugs, I didn't get any food. You don't understand-"

"I understand, Kaidan. You don't have to explain. How did you get out?"

"They made a mistake. Undercover cop saw me. He knew my parents. He got me to a safehouse, got me cleaned up, had me fed and treated. Then he took me home. I heard later that the house where they had kept me had burned down that night. That they were dead. But I still had nightmares, and I couldn't let anyone touch me. He came around sometimes, that cop, trying to make me talk to a shrink, trying to get me to move on, but I couldn't stand the thought of anyone…anyone…"

"You couldn't stand the thought of anyone knowing because it was _your_ fault," Shepard completes for him. "And because they would have looked at you differently, they would have pitied you and pity is worse than contempt, in its way."

He nods, looking up at her again.

"You do understand."

"I do."

"I was doing okay, enlisted in the Alliance, working my way up the ranks. I had a few girlfriends. A boyfriend, but that didn't last. And I never thought of it. Until the other night, and then I couldn't _stop_ thinking about it and…"

"And then I came in, and I tried to make you talk about it when all you wanted to do was to forget about it, and when you didn't want to I threatened your _home_ and you…well, you lost it. It happens."

"It's not an excuse."

"It's not, no. And if you ever do something like this again. If you ever raise a hand to me again, Kaidan, I will kill you."

He nods miserably.

"I understand."

"You did better than I did though. I suppose I can take the credit for that."

"You've…been like this?" His looks takes in the whole room, her torn clothing, the blood, and he doesn't look like he believes her.

"Not exactly. Not with someone close to me. It's a boring story, Kaidan."

He smiles a little and she's glad to see it because it means that maybe they will be okay.

"I told you mine, Commander."

She shakes her head.

"Juvenile, Alenko. It was a few months after Akuze, and I was with a new unit. Some batarians had been up to something, or so the brief said, but it was humans, human rebels or something and I got captured. They were going to kill me, but…"

"But?"

"They decided to have a little fun first. When my squad arrived they were…they were taking turns. And I was letting them because that's how you survive, that's what I was taught. But my squad didn't see it that way. They were young, and stupid, and cruel. And one day one of them started something, and the others joined in, calling me names, asking my price. One of them grabbed me and….and I flipped. I tore them apart with my bare hands. I nearly got kicked out, until the recordings came out and my psych officer testified for me. I had a lot of therapy. Talked about a lot of things. Got better. So that's my sordid story. You didn't kill anyone, at least. We can both walk away from this. And you'll…you'll get better, Kaidan."

He looks down at his hands and shakes his head.

"I don't think so, Shepard. There's something wrong with me. I'm…"

"Broken. Just like me. Just like all of us. But Kaidan, you and Garrus…you keep me sane. You make me okay. I need you to help me be okay. Can you do that for me?"

"I don't know, Shepard, I _raped_ you-"

"Listen to me closely, Kaidan, because I'm not going to say this again," she snarls. "It's only rape if I say it is. I decide. You don't get to tell me what happened to me. You don't get to decide that. I do. My decision. My choice. And if you're going to be torturing yourself with guilt the whole time, I can't be around you."

He nods, pale and still staring, and her own nod is jerky and sharp.

"Now. You're going to walk out of this room like nothing happened. You're going to get Chakwas and send her to me. Then you're going to my room, and you're going to get me clean clothes. Something loose. You're not going to talk to anyone but Chakwas. Understood?"

"Yes. Yes, Commander, I understand." He stands up and buttons up, heads to the door with his head down.

"Head up, Major. Nothing happened here that anyone needs to know about." Not entirely the truth. Garrus will have to be told, of course. She is not looking forward to that scene.

But for now, she is peaceful and alone, and filled with familiar pain. She doesn't need to think; can just float in the red pain haze and wait for Chakwas to come make it all better.


	5. Shattered - Summary

**Shattered : TL:DR**

_If you skipped Shattered, and that is totally your right and I understand completely, here's the bullet-point list of what happened._

Kaidan is still upset after Turnabout, and is hiding in Life Support with many bottles of booze.

Shepard goes to see him, they fight.

They have extremely violent and not entirely consensual sex.

During this, Kaidan confesses that he was kidnapped and abused after Brain Camp, and that he never really talked to anyone about it.

Shepard also confesses that she has some kind of trauma and that she once killed her entire unit because of it after Akuze.

Kaidan offers to resign or face charges, but Shepard refuses.

She tells him to fetch Chakwas and fresh clothing for her.

And that's the end.


	6. Picking up Pieces

**Picking up Pieces**

_This is the direct aftermath to Shattered._

Chakwas jumps up from her chair as soon as Kaidan comes into the sickbay. It's late and she looks tired, but she doesn't seem to need much sleep. Or perhaps she'd rather not sleep, given the war and the things she's seen since it started. He sees her take in his split lip and the blood on his clothes and face and hands, and the colour drains from her face.

"My God, Kaidan. What _happened?"_

He shakes his head blankly.

"It's not important, Doctor. Shepard…Shepard's hurt. You need to go to her." His voice sounds robotic in his ears; flat and dead and lifeless. It's either that or scream, or start crying.

Or take a gun and paint a wall with it to erase the shame and horror of the last hour.

She takes her hand from his face and stares at him for a moment.

"Kaidan," she says again. "What happened?"

He shakes his head. Maybe he should try to prepare her. It's cowardly, to let her face the aftermath of what he's done without a word of warning. But he can't take the thought of her face – Chakwas, who has always been kind, who always understood without being told, who always cared – becoming the mask of horror he knows it will be once she knows what a monster lives in him.

Shepard's voice echoes in his mind 'head up, Major' and he keeps his head from bowing under the weight of it. Somehow. Shepard has always made him be stronger than he thought he was.

"She's in the Life Support room," he says, and turns to go. "She's hurt."

He leaves without another word, takes the lift up to her quarters. It takes forever, and he stares blankly at the door until it opens.

The scent of her hits him like a fist when he enters her quarters, and he shudders and closes his eyes for a moment before heading for the armour locker. It slides open and he reaches in blindly, grabbing the first thing that comes to mind.

It's her N7 hoodie, worn soft and smelling of her, and his hands clench on it as memory overwhelms him _slamming her against the wall and she's warm and soft and not fighting anymore and _slam_ into her hard and hear her scream but not really and nothing matters but movemovemove and ignore the whimpers and her voice crooning forgiveness in your ear…_

He barely makes it to the bathroom in time, and as he retches, his memory torments him with images and memories. Of Shepard, and tearing her apart. Of the end of his childhood.

Afterward, he presses his fists against his mouth to muffle his crying and sits, huddled against the wall for the longest time, choking on grief and disgust and shame and an endless flood of memories.

When the tears finally stop, Kaidan feels empty and quiet and distant, and he washes his hands and face with mechanical precision.

Shepard needs clothes.

She trusted him to bring her clothes.

He will not fail her again.

_Head up, Major_.

He goes into her room again. The smell of her permeates every surface, threatening to send him running to the bathroom again.

_Head up, Major_.

He doesn't think as he takes from the closet: sweatpants, old and soft and much too large; clean underwear; her N7 hoodie; a grey t-shirt that may once have been black. Socks. All comfortable, all loose.

He looks at the pistol rack for a long time, tempted beyond belief. The smooth lines of Shepard's guns call to him, offering him a way to erase his shame. But it would be wrong to do it here, in her room. He doesn't want to get blood all over it. There are better places to do it and, if all else fails, there's always the airlock.

He adds a pistol to the top of the pile. He makes sure it's loaded. Shepard may need it. His hands shake as he checks the heat sink, and he raises the pistol to his face. So tempting.

But Shepard's waiting for her clothes and so he takes up the neat pile, gun on top, and takes the elevator down to the crew deck.

When the door to Life Support opens, he stands frozen for a second before daring to enter. Chakwas' eyes are flechettes, flaying the flesh from him, and Shepard has her back turned to the door.

Kaidan clears his throat and Shepard jumps, making Chakwas glare at him even more.

"I, ah…I brought your clothes, Commander."

"Kaidan." There's a smile in her hoarse voice, as if nothing's wrong, and she tilts her head. She can't turn too far, because Chakwas is working on her throat. "Come here."

"Commander, I don't think-"

"Karin, please. We've been over this. Nothing happened here that is anyone's business but mine and Kaidan's. Kaidan, come here."

He moves around her so that she can see him, and he sees Chakwas' eyes go to the gun, then to his face. There might be a momentary softening there, but it must be his imagination. Shepard looks at him, grave and serious and pale.

"Are you okay, Kaidan?"

"Am I okay? Shepard, you should call James. Have me taken in. Bring me up on charges."

But Shepard knocks away Chakwas' hand and surges to her feet, her finger in his face, naked as a jaybird and fearsome as the wrath of God.

"You don't get to tell me what to do about this, Kaidan. Are we clear?"

He nods jerkily.

He can always turn himself in. He knows Chakwas will back his story. She's examined Shepard, she _knows_ what he's done.

Shepard's eyes narrow and she takes his chin in her hand. Her fingers are icy. He has a sudden and unreasoning suspicion that she knows exactly what he's thinking.

"Go clean yourself up, Kaidan. Karin will take care of me."

She plants a soft kiss on the side of his jaw and sends him on his way, still dazed. He goes to his bunk. Grabs a fresh uniform.

It's not until he's in the shower, washing her blood off himself that he realises how insane the whole situation is. Shepard seemed almost…puzzled. Confused because he was upset, and upset because of it.

He dresses again and, because she didn't tell him what he was to do next, goes back to Life Support again. The ship is still quiet; it's the middle of the night watch and almost everyone is asleep.

In the darkened room, Chakwas and Shepard are arguing quietly when he comes in, but they stop the moment he enters. Shepard has a bandage and a medigel patch on her neck and is fully clothed except for shoes. She looks almost normal, and when he comes in she gives him a gentle smile.

"Feel better?"

He doesn't know what to say, so he nods.

"Good," she says. "That's good. Go get some shut-eye, Kaidan. We'll talk in the morning, okay?'

Shepard is limping as she walks away. Only a little, but Kaidan has been watching her for years now. He can tell she's hurting

Chakwas goes with her, still whispering urgently in her ear until Shepard raises a hand and walks away. The doctor gives Kaidan a filthy look and goes back to sickbay.

Kaidan walks into Starboard Observation and unrolls his pallet, changes into his and sits down. The pajamas are soft and getting worn – he washed them a million times to get that old feel into them, and the Superman logos are starting to fade a bit. He traces one of the designs with the tip of one finger, remembering the glorious morning when Garrus had teased him about it and they had healed some of his old wounds together

If Kaidan is lucky, Garrus will kill him when he finds out what he's done.

Kaidan doesn't expect to be able to sleep, but his body doesn't care about emotions or the blankness he's hiding behind. He falls asleep almost immediately.

He wakes up to a sound like an enraged teakettle and is yanked out of bed before he can really process it.

By the time his eyes open, he's face to face with Garrus. The turian is the source of the teakettle sound, and his eyes are fixed on Kaidan's face.

"Give me one reason," Garrus says, his voice full of clicks and whistles that Kaidan has never heard before, "why I shouldn't kill you where you stand."

Kaidan looks into Garrus' eyes and sighs.

"I can't."

Garrus lets out a scream, high and piercing like the cry of a hunting hawk, and lifts Kaidan into the air. Kaidan has never really realized how _strong_ Garrus is. He's lifting Kaidan effortlessly into the air with one hand on his throat, the other clawed at his side.

"You hurt her! I trusted you and you _hurt her_! Do you know what it was like to see her walk into the CIC and smell _blood_?" His balled fist slams into Kaidan's stomach once, twice, driving the air from his lungs in a rush, and his armoured knee shoots up into Kaidan's crotch, and then Garrus rushes forward and Kaidan's back hits the bar. Garrus leans over him, bending him over the bar until Kaidan is sure his back is going to snap, and his hand begins to tighten on Kaidan's throat, choking the life from him an inch at a time. "I'm going to _kill_ you, Alenko. But first, I'm going to make you sorry you were ever born. Do you understand?"

Kaidan doesn't answer. He doesn't have breath left to answer even if he did, but Garrus doesn't care. He loosens his hand for a second, lets Kaidan breathe for just a moment before resuming his punishing grip. Someone, somewhere, had done a damn good job of teaching Garrus how to choke a human without killing him, Kaidan thought distantly.

"I can't _believe_ you did that. To Shepard! To _my_ Shepard! How dare you hurt her like that when you _know_ how important she is to us all! I should tell Liara what you did. I should tell everyone, and we could all take you apart. Slowly. But Shepard doesn't want anyone to know." Garrus drags a talon down the side of Kaidan's face, splitting open his vulnerable skin with ease, and Kaidan starts to feel a trickle of blood make its way down his face. "So it's up to me now."

Garrus' mandibles flare and his eyes are pale blue fire glaring down at Kaidan. He's never looked as terrifying. Then he leans in close, to speak in Kaidan's ear just above a whisper.

"You think you're sorry now, Alenko. Just wait. I'm going to flay you alive. You're going to beg for death before the end." He pulls back just enough to meet Kaidan's eyes. "You're going to beg for a long, _long_ time."

Kaidan's choking and his hands wrap around Garrus' wrist, but he doesn't try to pull away, doesn't try to speak. He couldn't have anyway, but he doesn't try. He just keeps looking into Garrus' eyes, trying to say with his face what he doesn't have breath or courage to say aloud.

_Thank you_.

Garrus freezes mid-snarl and in the sudden silence the _click_ of a pistol being cocked is very loud.

"Put him down," Shepard says.

Garrus' hand opens and he steps back and Kaidan falls to his knees gagging, hand to throat and his traitorous lungs sucking in greedy gasps of air.

Shepard is standing behind Garrus, a slim flame in the half-darkness of the room, her pistol aimed at the back of Garrus' head. One entire side of her face is a blue-black bruise, and Kaidan remembers slamming her face into the table.

"Both of you, sit down. We are going to talk about this like sensible adults, or so help me God, someone is getting shot."

Kaidan obeys, still touching his throat. He would have bruises, and it felt like Garrus had broken the skin in a few spots. Good.

Garrus seats himself on one of the couches, glaring murder at Kaidan, and Kaidan takes the other. Shepard, hissing through her teeth, seats herself on the single chair between the two of them.

"Shepard," Garrus says. "How badly are you hurt?"

"I've had worse," she says. "Give me a day or two and I'll be fine."

"You should have let me kill him," Garrus snarls.

"And then he would be dead and you would be under arrest. Don't be an idiot, Garrus. This really isn't as big a deal as you all think it is."

"Yes, Shepard, it _is_ a big deal. He assaulted a superior officer. He betrayed your trust. On a turian ship, he'd be dead already."

"Good thing we're not on a turian ship then, isn't it?"

Garrus crosses his arms and snarls.

"Besides," Shepard adds. "It's not really his fault."

"Shepard," Kaidan says. "It was my fault. It was my fault from start to finish, and you should have let Garrus kill me."

Garrus nods but doesn't say anything.

Shepard sits back in the chair, arms crossed. She's frowning and biting her lip, a habit he knows well. It means she's confused.

"I provoked you, Kaidan. I threatened your home and you were drunk and-"

"And nothing," he says. He can't look at her anymore, so he looks at his bare feet instead, avoiding her pale confused face and Garrus' knife-edged glare. "There is no excuse for what I did. Not ever. No matter how drunk I was, or how angry, or what you said. No excuse. I should have walked away. I should have made you leave. I should have done – _God_, I should have done _anything_ but what I did! Why can't you see that?" he asks.

Silence.

"You…really feel bad, don't you," Shepard says, amazed. "You're not just pretending because you think it's what I want to hear. You're actually sorry."

Kaidan and Garrus are both staring at her now.

"I'm not pretending, Shepard. If I could…if I could take it back, if I could make it better somehow…" he doesn't know what to say so he winds down and stares at Shepard.

Shepard's face is a study in conflicting emotions. Wonder and disbelief chase each other across her face.

"Nobody's ever been sorry before," she says quietly.

"What?"

"Some of them said they were," she says distantly, not looking at him or Garrus. "Because they thought I would tell, because they thought it was _expected_," she spits the word, "but I could always tell. I've always been good at knowing when I'm being lied to. And they were always lying."

"Shepard," Garrus says, and she looks at him. "You've been…this has happened to you before?"

She nods.

"I wasn't always the great Commander Shepard you know, Garrus. I was a little girl once. I was a teenager. I was a green rookie. I was a subordinate. And I was…vulnerable. Because of what happened on Mindoir."

"The slavers?" Kaidan asked. He remembers hearing about Mindoir, the slavers, the sole survivor. He hadn't known that it had been Shepard, before.

"And before. I had what you might call a unique upbringing."

Garrus looks puzzled.

"Mindoir was a cultist colony," Kaidan says. "There were…rumors. Of child brides and girls being traded away…"

"The rumours can't hold a candle to the reality," Shepard says. "Being a girl child on Mindoir meant you were worth less than nothing. Your life, your body, belonged to any man who wanted it. So you learn. You learn the signs of when a man wants to kill, and when he can be…persuaded otherwise. You learn when to run and hide, when to submit. And you learn never, ever to fight back. My mother taught me and when she…when she was killed I…became…there isn't a word for it in Galactic. Common property? I was better than anyone. I could…" She looks up at them, smiles wryly. "In a situation like that you take pride in whatever you can. I could protect some of the younger girls. Not all. Not any of them forever. But…I could make it a little easier on them. For a little while."

Garrus was staring at her in a kind of horrified trance.

"And then the batarians came," Kaidan said.

"And then the batarians came," Shepard sighed. "It was worse, in some ways. Better in others."

"I heard about Mindoir," Garrus said quietly. "They killed everyone."

"Eventually. Eventually, they killed everyone. They were there for weeks, first. And it was better, because we were valuable to them so there was less chance of being killed on purpose. Worse, because batarians and humans were never meant…well. They wouldn't kill us on purpose, but more than a few died by accident before they decided it was time to start moving the merchandise."

"They kept the women."

"Of course they did. We were expensive merchandise, Kaidan. A girl from Mindoir could fetch top price in certain…specialized circles."

Kaidan nodded. There were always sick people. Many of them were rich. Many of them would pay top credit for a girl from a place like that.

"How did you get away?" Garrus asked.

"I didn't. When they started loading us onto the ships, I knew that our lives were over. I knew I'd never be able to protect any of them again. So I grabbed a gun from one of the batarians and started shooting. Killed three of them before one of the others managed to get a bullet in me. I was knocked out. When I came to, they were all gone. I was alone."

"They didn't kill you," Kaidan said.

"They left me gut-shot and alone in the middle of a burned-out colony. I was as good as dead. It was only God's grace that the SSV Scheherazade had heard our original distress call. They landed after I woke up. Found me soon after."

There was a few minutes of silence.

"And then you joined the Alliance."

"It…seemed appropriate. I always wanted to protect people who couldn't protect themselves. And after Mindoir…well, I found I was good at killing. And I liked it. And there were…there are predators everywhere. Things happened. In basic. After I graduated. And then Akuze. And I was the only one who walked away. Again."

"And then that mission you told me about. Where you killed your entire squad."

"And therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. But when I feel threatened…when killing isn't an option. My early instincts take over and I-"

"You submit." Kaidan says.

Shepard nods, her eyes on her hands. Then she looks up, meeting Kaidan's eyes, then Garrus'.

"That doesn't make it less wrong," Garrus says. "What he did."

"No, Shepard. It doesn't. You could have stopped me and you didn't. But you should never have had to stop me. I should have stopped myself. I should never even have thought it."

Shepard shrugs.

"We don't need to be assigning blame here. We need to decide if we can get through this. If we can accept that we…that we're all a little broken. And that sometimes we're going to hurt each other. I think we can be good together. I need both of you on my side if we're going to win this."

"If you want me," Kaidan said. "I'm here. Even if it's just…just as friends."

"I'm not giving either of you up," Shepard says. "Not unless I have to. You're _mine_. And I'm keeping you."

"I said I'd never leave you again, Shepard," Garrus says hoarsely, putting a hand over hers. "And I never will. So I guess we…work through it. As best we can."

"We'll be okay. We're family," Shepard says, taking Kaidan's hand in hers. "A little strange, a little broken, but family."


	7. Catharsis

**Catharsis**

_Set a few days after Picking Up Pieces. Kaidan knows everything isn't fine between him and Garrus. So he makes a plan._

_Thanks again to VakarianGirl, who fed me e-booze and told me I COULD DO IT!_

Shepard may have thought that everything would be okay because she said it had to be, but Kaidan knew better.

He could see the way Garrus watched him whenever they were in the room together, the subconscious fisting of the turian's hand whenever Kaidan came too close to Shepard. He knew Garrus was trying to pretend everything was normal, trying to do what Shepard wanted and ignore everything that had happened.

It wasn't working.

It didn't help, of course, that apparently the whole ship knew something had happened between the three of them. It must have looked strange from outside, the cautious dance he was treading with Garrus and Shepard, and the way Chakwas' eyes would narrow whenever she looked at him.

Kaidan felt time running out. Soon Shepard would have to leave the ship, and she would take Kaidan and Garrus with her. As always. And with things the way they were between them, he didn't see a way for it to go well.

So with three days left before they reached Rannoch, Kaidan fired up the extranet, did some research, and made a plan. It wasn't a good plan, and Shepard would be furious, but it was the only thing that had a chance of working.

He went to the Battery and waited for Garrus to notice him. The turian kept him waiting for almost a minute before he looked up. And there it was, the flare of rage in his eyes, the way his hands clenched as he saw Kaidan. They could pretend for Shepard's sake that everything was okay but in here, alone with no eyes to see, it was obvious that they were as far from okay as it got.

"Alenko," Garrus said. "What do you want?" His voice was cold and emotionless, but his eyes burned.

Kaidan gulped at the expression on the turian's face, and his hands clenched into fists at his side. But he did it; he raised his chin and bared his throat to Garrus. He'd read up on turian body language, and the signals were as clear as his human body could make them.

"Atonement," he breathed. There were more words to the ritual, a great many more, but they didn't translate and his mouth just couldn't make the proper sounds. So he skipped smoothly over the parts he didn't understand and couldn't have said aloud if he did and said, "I have wronged the nest. I need to be scourged."

He'd never seen such an expression of shock on Garrus' face.

"Kaidan, you don't…" but Kaidan spoke over him.

"Will you spar with me, nestbrother?"

There was a moment of silence. Garrus stared at him blankly. He'd probably never expected Kaidan to go as far as researching ritual turian apologies. Three months ago, Kaidan would never imagined that he would do it.

"Do you know what you're asking, Kaidan?"

Kaidan nodded.

"We can't go into battle like this, Garrus. We need to settle things between us one way or another."

"Shepard says-"

"Shepard wishes everything would go back to the way they were, and if wishes were fishes," Kaidan said, "we'd all cast nets."

Garrus stared.

"What?"

Kaidan fought the blush but it came anyway, and he looked at his feet.

"Something my grandmother said. It means that wishing won't make it happen. We have to make it happen. We have to…to make ourselves be okay again."

"And you think _this_…" Garrus waved a helpless hand at Kaidan, still standing with his throat bared,"is the way to do it?"

Kaidan nodded.

Garrus sighed.

"Well, I can't refuse you. You should really apologizing to Shepard, though."

"She'd say nothing's wrong. She doesn't understand."

"And you think I do?"

Kaidan nodded.

"You're an idiot, then," Garrus said. "Come with me."

He stalked out of the Battery and Kaidan followed him through the mess hall and into the elevator. Kaidan held himself very still as Garrus ordered the elevator to take them down to the armoury. If he moved, he would bolt, or throw up, or start crying. He had known what he was getting into when he'd made the offer. He just hadn't thought he'd be this scared.

The elevator door slid open an age later, and Vega and Cortez looked up as Garrus stepped out, Kaidan on his heels.

"James," Garrus said tightly, nodding at Vega. "Steve."

"Hey, Scars. What's up?"

"Just a little discussion between me and Alenko. Can you two make yourselves scarce for a while?"

Cortez glanced from Garrus to Kaidan and back. Garrus looked terrifying, his face closed, arms crossed on his chest. Kaidan supposed he didn't look too good either; he knew he was pale and he probably looked terrified. Well fair enough, he _was_ terrified.

"Are you…"

"I'm sure, Steve. You two go…have lunch or something."

Cortez nodded, closed up his terminal and followed Vega to the elevator.

As soon as they were gone, Garrus turned to Kaidan.

"Are you sure about this, Kaidan?" he asked.

Kaidan nodded tightly. He was less scared, now that it was about to begin. He struggled out of his uniform and watched Garrus do the same. It wasn't going to be a fair fight. The only way to have a fair hand-to-hand fight between a human and a turian would be to have the human in full combat gear, and the turian naked.

But the Rite of Atonement was supposed to be done naked, and Kaidan had never believed in half measures.

"Are you ready?" Garrus asked, walking to the centre of the armoury, where there was enough open space. Kaidan followed him, cold and naked and pretty well terrified.

"I'm ready."

Garrus nodded.

"Then you can begin. You know how it works? You have to-"

"Strike the first blow. I know," Kaidan said. Turians didn't believe in handing out punishment, apparently. You had to fight for it, as hard as you could. He took a deep breath and drove his fist into Garrus' stomach.

Garrus' fist hit Kaidan in the pit of his stomach like a battering ram, and Kaidan actually staggered back a step before he could retaliate, his fist finding Garrus' face. He probably hurt himself more than he did Garrus, turian scales were tougher than human skin. He left a smear of red blood on Garrus' face and came away with barked knuckles for his trouble.

Garrus' grin was feral, mandibles flared wide, and all his sharp predator's teeth were on display.

"You hurt Shepard," he snarled, and his hand whistled past Kaidan's face as he ducked. "You _bastard_."

"I did," Kaidan gasped, hitting out again without aiming for anywhere in particular. He was rewarded with a choked sound when his fist made unexpected contact with Garrus' throat. "I hurt Shepard, and I'm _sorry!_"

Garrus shrieked wordlessly and charged, catching Kaidan around the waist and slamming him into one of the piles of packing crates, and when Kaidan could see again the turian's face, sharp-edged and strangely vulnerable without his visor, was inches from his own.

"Sorry doesn't change the fact that she's hurt because of you," he said. "Tell me why, Alenko," he said and, turning, hurled Kaidan through the air.

The ridiculous thought that Garrus couldn't possibly hear anything he said while he was flying like a kite shot through Kaidan's head a moment before he made contact with the shuttle, and then there were no more thoughts for a few seconds. He shook his head to clear it and saw Garrus stalking across the open floor toward him, the nightmares of his earliest childhood made flesh and bone and scale. The nightmares of his adulthood had human skin and hard hands. He staggered to his feet.

"I was drunk," he said, lashing out as soon as Garrus came close enough. The big turian sidestepped his wild punch casually and slapped Kaidan across the face with the back of one scaled hand.

"Try again, Alenko. I've seen you drunk."

"I was drunk," Kaidan insisted, sounding drunk now, with his words slurring on his tongue. He spat blood. This was harder than he'd expected it to be.

Garrus slapped him again, contemptuously.

"Try again," he hissed.

"Drunk," Kaidan said again, and Garrus slapped him hard, whipping his face to one side. Every time he said it, Garrus slapped him, his face whipping to and fro until something snapped in him and he put both hands against Garrus' plated chest and shoved backwards, almost sending the turian sprawling. Almost.

"Scared!" he screamed, hitting out desperately at Garrus' face. "I was scared, alright? Is that what you want to hear, Vakarian? That I was fucking terrified out of my mind and I just wanted her to _shut up_? Do you want to hear that every second I was fucking her I was remembering what happened to me? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Garrus caught his flailing hand and twisted, sending Kaidan to his knees. He bent down, bringing his face close to Kaidan's.

"That will do," he said. Then he let go and walked away.

Kaidan screamed an incoherent cry of rage and charged, taking Garrus in the chest as he turned and bearing him down to the ground. The next moment he found himself sitting on top of the big turian, battering his fists to shreds against his hard, rough face. He was babbling, _bastard_ and _hate_ and _kill_ and he didn't know why except that he was so _angry _and he needed to hurt someone. And Garrus was there.

It lasted a few seconds at most before Garrus flipped them both, landing on top of Kaidan and pinning his hands to the ground.

"Kaidan" he said. "It's done. The scourging is done, you can stop now."

Some small part of Kaidan heard and sighed in relief. The overwhelming majority of him, however, was so flooded with rage, remembered fear and adrenaline that it didn't understand, and Kaidan continued to thrash under Garrus, snarling, trying to get close enough to bite, trying to use his lower body to buck the turian off.

But turians were heavy and Garrus was determined, holding on to Kaidan's wrists and pinning him with his hips.

Kaidan writhed and struggled, screaming incoherently. He had forgotten that he was naked until his body chose to remind him that he was rubbing himself against something smooth and deceptively slick, and he froze, staring up at Garrus.

"S-sorry," he said, humiliated, and couldn't suppress the stutter in his voice as his hips jerked of their own volition, rubbing his overstimulated cock against the silk-smooth plates of Garrus' groin. "You can get up now, I'm okay."

"It's…okay if you don't want me to, you know," Garrus said, moving his hips just a millimetre before he stopped. His eyes closed and his whole body shivered, and he made one more abortive thrust before his eyes opened. "We can…"

He didn't have a chance to say anything more because Kaidan's body betrayed him again, thrusting up hard against the smooth alien body, and Garrus keened and bent down to kiss him.

It wasn't gentle. It was an invasion, and Kaidan surrendered wholeheartedly as he opened his mouth for Garrus' tongue.

He tasted blood from his split lip, and the sweet-copper taste of Garrus' mouth, and he loved it, yearning upwards as much as he could with Garrus still pinning his hands to the floor. By the time Garrus moved his head away to lick and nip at his neck, Kaidan was panting and writhing, and he wanted more.

Garrus gave it to him in abundance. He made his way down Kaidan's body in slow stages, licking and biting every inch of smooth human skin he could reach, and by the time he lay down between Kaidan's thighs and started paying attention to his cock, Kaidan was whimpering softly. Garrus wasn't gentle there either, lapping roughly at the sensitive skin until Kaidan was so close he could feel it.

He stopped.

"Oh, God, Garrus, don't stop now, I'm about to…"

Garrus crawled up his body and kissed him again.

"Fucking tease," Kaidan snapped, and tried to free his hands, still in the turian's steely grip.

"If you were Shepard," Garrus said into his ear, and Kaidan stilled helplessly, his entire body tight as a drum. "This would be the point where I would fuck you until you scream."

Kaidan shuddered and tried to thrust upwards, but Garrus was too cunning to let him get off that way.

"No reason you can't," he heard his mouth say. Garrus went dead still.

"What?"

Kaidan sneered up at him.

"Don't act the innocent with me, Vakarian. I know you remember what we did with Shepard the other day. And I know what you've been doing on the extranet lately."

Garrus growled but he didn't move, glaring down at Kaidan.

"I know you want to fuck me, Garrus," Kaidan said.

Garrus let go and got to his feet in silence, and Kaidan sat up. His wrists were bruised from the turian's strong hands and his entire body was aching. But the battle wasn't lost yet. He stared at Garrus' back, at the clenched hands and the way he didn't look anywhere but in front of him.

"You want to make me scream, don't you?" Kaidan said, getting up. He ran a hand down Garrus' back, along the thin line of skin revealed between armour plates. "I saw your face when we were fucking Shepard together. You wanted to be where I was that time, didn't you? And now you want to hold me down and fuck me raw. Don't you, Garrus?"

Garrus was shaking now, and Kaidan was sure his talons were cutting into his hands. He smiled. Even as a boy, he'd been good at this, at bringing out the rage, and this was so much better because this was _Garrus_, controlled Garrus, always afraid of hurting the soft little humans. Well, sometimes humans didn't want controlled. Sometimes they wanted to hurt. And Kaidan wasn't afraid anymore. Not even a little.

"No," Garrus managed, but when Kaidan moved around him again his eyes were closed and his cock had slid out of its hiding place and stood tall, already weeping with want. Kaidan moved closer until he could feel Garrus' cock against his stomach, and Garrus made a soft keening noise and still didn't move.

"I was a whore before I was a man, Garrus. Don't think you can lie to me," Kaidan said, and gave Garrus' cock a slow, teasing stroke. "Or don't you think you're man enough to fuck a man?"

Garrus' hands were heavy on his shoulders suddenly, and Kaidan's knees hit the floor with a jolt of pain. More bruises, he thought, and opened his mouth as Garrus thrust into it.

The last time they'd been together had been sweet, teasing, and Kaidan had used all his hard-won knowledge to tease the big turian. This time there was no art to it, and nothing sweet as he took everything Garrus gave him, again and again, his eyes tearing up and gasping for breath. His hands wanted to grip Garrus' hips, make him gentle his pace a little, but he fisted them on his thighs. He didn't want to control anything right now.

Garrus' hands were clenched on the back of his head, holding him still so the turian could fuck his mouth, and his talons were digging into Kaidan's scalp. And above him, Garrus' flanging voice was whispering filth and obscenities until he snarled, deep in his throat and shoved Kaidan backwards, sending him sprawling.

Kaidan leaned up on an elbow and wiped the back of his mouth with his arm, grinning up at Garrus. Then he yelped as Garrus was suddenly on top of him, forcing Kaidan's legs over his shoulders and growling softly. He felt the turian's cock at his entrance, slick with saliva and precomeand too damn _big_, and whimpered as Garrus stopped moving.

"Is this what you want, Alenko?" he asked, and pushed in a little. He'd gone back to pinning Kaidan's wrists and Kaidan couldn't touch himself, couldn't do a damn thing but take it.

Kaidan whimpered. He wasn't ready, wasn't prepared, and it _burned_ and oh, god how he wanted it. His body was an uncomfortable knot, bruises were blooming all over him and the way Garrus was pressing back on his legs stopped him from breathing deeply enough and it was all fucking _glorious._ For once, the memories didn't even hurt.

"Scared, Vakarian?" he taunted, and clenched down hard on the invading organ. Garrus groaned and thrust in _hard_, his ridged cock burrowing into Kaidan's body without mercy until he was buried hilt-deep and he stopped, gasping. Kaidan bit his lip and closed his eyes, and gasped for breath as each of the ridges in turn rubbed across his prostate.

"Of you, Alenko?" he asked. "In your dreams, maybe."

Kaidan found breath to laugh somewhere, but he choked on it when Garrus began to pull out and those _damn_ little ridges started torturing him again. And he squeezed down again and Garrus howled like a wolf and started fucking him in earnest, shoving him across the floor a little with each thrust, and Kaidan closed his eyes again and lost himself in the sensations, pain and pleasure mixing inescapably, and tried not to come as Garrus' cock set off fireworks behind his eyes.

"I am going to make you _scream_, Kaidan," Garrus said breathlessly, and Kaidan looked up to see the turian glaring down at him fiercely.

"You're welcome to try," Kaidan snarled back.

Garrus laughed as he pulled out and flipped him over, and Kaidan barely had time to get his knees under him before Garrus was on him, in him again, his sharp talons digging into Kaidan's hips as he held him still.

His cock was hard and leaking, but Garrus was pounding him so hard that if he moved a hand he'd plow head first into the floor, so Kaidan bit his tongue and tried not to make a sound, but _god_, it was hard. Garrus was breathing hard above him, and his entire body was blazing with pain, but he was still dancing on the edge of orgasm because the change of angle made Garrus' cock stab against his prostate with every damn thrust, setting off sparks that danced through his body. Kaidan braced himself and pushed back, panting and gasping, his entire body shuddering as he fought his orgasm with all his might.

When it came, the end came suddenly. Garrus howled and thrust faster and even harder, and a wave of sensation crested over Kaidan and his body bent like a bow as he came, screaming and sobbing and cursing.

Over his own voice, he heard Garrus cry out, and then the turian was slumped on his back. Kaidan collapsed, twitching a bit with the aftermath as Garrus slipped out of him.

Garrus' breathing was almost louder than his own, he noticed as the other man rolled off him.

"That was…certainly interesting," Garrus said when he had his breath back.

Kaidan chuckled tiredly.

"Interesting, huh."

"Not something we could do regularly, though," Garrus said. "I don't think my heart could take it."

"I don't think my body could," Kaidan admitted.

"You look terrible," Garrus said quietly. "Did I hurt you?"

"Mmm, yeah. But that's another set of childhood memories gone," Kaidan said. "So, worth it."

He didn't open his eyes, but he sensed Garrus sit up and stare at him.

"This was…"

"The word you're looking for is therapeutic," Kaidan said. "Isn't that what the scourging is meant to be?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"Then it's succeeded, hasn't it? Come on, help me up. God, I feel ancient. Look at my knees!" Kaidan groaned as Garrus helped him to his feet. He hurt everywhere, but he felt better too, and that was worth a lot of pain.

"I'm looking at your back right now. It looks like someone tried to flay you," Garrus said.

"It'll heal. Are we good now?"

Garrus looked him up and down.

"I'd say you've been…pretty thoroughly scourged."

"Good. Then you can help me to a shower. And after that, I need a drink."

"Just the one?"

Kaidan grinned.

"Maybe more than one."

Garrus bent down and put his shoulder under Kaidan's arm and helped him to the decon showers. Kaidan glared at the nozzles in the wall. And at the mirror. He really did look like shit.

"This," he said morosely, "is going to hurt."

It did.

But afterwards, he felt cleansed and whole, even if his body disagreed. And he had Garrus, to help him with his clothes and support him in the elevator. He had to keep himself upright when they stopped at the second floor so Garrus could raid the bar, but he leaned against the wall with his shoulder – one of the few parts that didn't hurt – and it wasn't long before his turian came back, grinning, and started the elevator up again.

They went up to Shepard's quarters, where Kaidan collapsed on a couch and Garrus found some glasses.

They each filled their own, Garrus with some weird-smelling turian liquor and Kaidan with some kind of asari drink that glowed purple.

Kaidan eye it suspiciously, on the theory that glowing drinks did not bode well. He drank it anyway, on the theory that he sure as hell wasn't going down to fetch something else.

Garrus raised a brow plate and refilled the glass, then raised his own. Must be something he'd learned from Shepard.

"To the nest?" he asked.

Kaidan smiled, and clinked the glass against his nestbrother's.

"To the nest," he said.


	8. Betrayal

**Betrayal**

_Okay, so maybe I was mistaken…_

_Thanks again to VakarianGirl for all her awesomeness and assistance!_

The first Shepard knew of anything was when she overheard the Marines guarding the conference room talking at shift-change.

"Did you hear about Vakarian and Alenko in the Armoury?"

"I heard they were fighting in there."

"_I_ heard they were fucking like crazy people. Anders went down for a look and she says they were having it off right there in front of God and everybody!"

"You're kidding. Vakarian and Alenko? I thought Vakarian had a thing with the Commander?"

"I heard Alenko and the Commander used to be together on the SR-1. And he's been spending an awful lot of time in her quarters lately."

"I'd sleep in the Commander's room too, if the other option was a cot in Observation."

"You don't think…"

Westmoreland trailed off into silence as she spotted Shepard watching. Shepard smiled thinly and walked up to them.

"Commander! I…um…I was just…" Westmoreland, at least, had the grace to blush.

"You were just speculating on your CO's sex life, weren't you?"

"Maybe a little, Commander. Sorry."

"Can either of you remind me what the rule is about that on the Normandy?"

There was a moment of silence.

"…Don't ask, don't tell? Ma'am?" Campbell said eventually.

"Exactly. I don't ask, and you don't tell. And in return, you don't ask. And since you didn't, here's a little snippet of information for you. Kaidan Alenko is an excellent soldier and a good man, and that goes for Garrus Vakarian too. What they do in their free time is their business, and certainly not ours. We clear?"

"But they're both-"

"Sleeping in my room. Yes, Private. I know. If I die, every alliance I've built collapses, and the war is _over_. Vakarian and Alenko are the only two people on this ship that I can be one hundred percent sure are not indoctrinated. Do you blame me for having them watching my back while I sleep?"

She smirked inwardly as comprehension dawned on their faces.

Then she turned on her heel and stalked into the elevator.

She fumed through the whole elevator ride. Sex in the Armoury? How could they have been so _stupid_? She was going to kill them. She was going to _kill them_ and then, she was going to clone them and bring them to life just so she could kill them _again_.

The door to her apartment slid open.

"-headbutted him right in the face, I'm telling you!" Garrus crowed.

"You're shitting me," Kaidan said, laughing.

"No, look. Watch this."

Shepard paused in the door. She heard voices, then a thump. Then the unmistakable sound of krogan laughter. What the hell?

"Having fun?" she asked, stepping inside and letting the door slide shut behind her.

"Shepard!" Kaidan cried. "Garrus was just telling me about some of the adventures you guys had while you were fighting the Collectors! Man, you got up to some weird shit."

Garrus laughed.

"And I haven't even gotten to the good parts yet."

She stepped around the corner and sucked in a breath at the sight of Kaidan's face. He looked like he'd been in a fight with Wrex.

"God, Kaidan, what happened?" she asked, appalled.

Kaidan laughed.

"This? This, dear commander, is why head-butting a turian is a bad idea."

"You head-butted Garrus?"

"He didn't, actually," Garrus said. "Landed a few pretty decent punches. Or they would have been, if his fists weren't so squishy."

"Oh, my God. You really were fighting in the Armoury! Why?"

Kaidan shrugged, still grinning although his face looked like a side of beef.

"Just sparring, Shepard. No big deal. Did you come to join us?"

Shepard dropped her face in her hands.

"You two…I just…you had a fight in the armoury. And then, as if that wasn't enough, you had _sex_ in the armoury. Which, in case you didn't know, has a _giant fucking window_. Half the crew saw you!"

Garrus laughed out loud.

"Gave them a hell of a show, didn't we?"

"You mean…they were watching us?" Kaidan asked. "That's…pretty creepy. And kind of hot."

Shepard groaned, and Kaidan lurched to his feet and caught her in a clumsy embrace.

"Shepard," he said, and kissed her. "Honey, it's okay. Everything's okay."

In another moment, Garrus was behind her, nibbling on her neck.

"Better than okay," he said. "Because now you're here. And that makes everything better than better."

"You," Shepard said between kisses, "are both idiots. And drunk."

"But we're _cute_ idiots," Kaidan said cheerfully.

"And cuddly drunks," Garrus added into her ear.

"You're dirty cheaters, is what you are. You know I can't think when you do that."

"Then don't think," Kaidan said, leaning in to whisper into her other ear. "Let us apologise."

"I think you'll find," Garrus added, "that we can be quite…eloquent. When we want to be."

"Uh huh. Eloquent, you say. You're so drunk I'd be surprised if you don't pass out."

"If I pass out," Kaidan said solemnly, "You have my permission to pour cold water on my head."

"Don't think I won't, Alenko," she said, but there was no fire in her threat. Garrus' hands were on her waist, running his sharp talons delicately over the sensitive skin, and Kaidan was nibbling on her neck.

Kaidan's hands went to the zipper of her hoodie and, after only a moment of fumbling, slid it down and open to reveal the black t-shirt underneath. He stared for a moment.

"You're not wearing a bra," he noted.

She shrugged, and his eyes widened as the movement did interesting things to her breasts.

"Sometimes I don't. Underwear is just too much of a pain sometimes."

Garrus made a soft choking sound, and Kaidan made a little noise in the back of his throat and kissed her again.

"Spirits, Shepard," Garrus said. "You realise every time I see you from now on I'm going to be wondering if you have anything on underneath, or if it's all just…you under that hoodie?"

Shepard laughed, then gasped as Kaidan bent to take a nipple into his mouth through the soft cloth of her t-shirt.

"That…mmm…that would be why I told you, wouldn't it?" She lifted one hand to Kaidan's head and slid the other under Garrus' crest, keeping them both in place. "Oh, that's nice."

It was better than nice. Garrus was humming softly in her ear and Kaidan was sucking and licking at her breast through the soft cloth of her t-shirt, and she smiled to herself. Whatever they'd been doing in the Armoury had clearly sorted out whatever issues remained between them.

She couldn't stop a little sigh escaping her as Garrus' long-fingered hand slipped under the waistband of her pants, teasing her lips with the tips of his talons. She parted her legs and he slipped a finger into her, so painfully slowly that she whimpered.

"Garrus…"

"Shhh," he murmured. "I've got you, Shepard."

"Trust us," Kaidan said, and rose to claim her mouth again. His mouth tasted of whatever he'd been drinking, sweet and strange, and she happily kissed him back, stopping only to gasp for breath when Garrus' finger slipped ever so lightly over her clit.

"Tease," she said when the touch didn't return, and Garrus laughed.

"You love it," he said.

"I love you both," she replied, and bit her lip when that wicked finger of his circled around her again.

Kaidan was staring at her.

"Say that again," he said softly. "Please."

"I love you," she said, and he kissed her again, harder than before and wilder, and Garrus' hand moved with more purpose, two fingers thrust deep inside her, hard and fast while his thumb circled her pearl, faster and faster, and sent her spiralling over the edge.

"Well," she said when she'd gotten her breath back. "Maybe I should say that more often."

"You probably should," Garrus said. "It's nice to hear."

She twisted her head to give him a kiss.

"I do love you, you know. Both of you. So much."

Kaidan laughed.

"So, is our apology accepted?"

"I'm…unconvinced of your sincerity. I think I might need a bit more persuasion."

Garrus laughed softly, and Shepard cursed as her omnitool beeped.

"Liara," she said. "What's up?"

"Shepard, you need to come down to my office. Right now. And bring Garrus and Kaidan."

"Something wrong?"

Liara sighed.

"Just…come down here, will you? Please?"

"I'll be there in five minutes," Shepard promised, and signed off. "That…doesn't sound promising, does it?"

"No. No, it really doesn't," Kaidan said. "Here, let me fix your hair."

He ran his fingers through it, smoothing it back in place, and smiled.

"Have you got your sober-uppers?" Shepard asked.

Kaidan nodded and extracted a small pump from his pocket.

"Never drink without it," he said, grinning, and took a puff. He choked and bent over, his face going red, but the hand with the pump remained outstretched so that Garrus could take it as he emerged from the bathroom.

The turian took a puff and looked like he wanted to throw up for a second.

"That stuff is disgusting," he said hoarsely.

"Yeah, tell me about it."

They rode down to the crew deck in silence.

Liara met them at the door to her office, her face as grim as Shepard had ever seen it.

"What's wrong?" Shepard asked as the door closed behind them.

Liara gestured to her monitor racks. All of them were showing different news shows. All the news shows had the same content. Garrus and Kaidan, Kaidan and Garrus. On the floor in the Armoury in their _goddamn birthday suits_. In some pictures they were fighting. In some, they had clearly been screwing each other's brains out.

BattleSpace had a picture of the three of them in some unguarded moment, smiling at each other. Garrus had his hand on Kaidan's shoulder, leaning in carelessly close. Kaidan had his hand on Shepard's thigh. The expressions on their faces were the giveaway, though, soft and predatory all at once. She wondered when it had been taken.

"Oh, God," Kaidan said softly.

"What were you _thinking_?" Liara asked. "In the Armoury? _Really_, Garrus? Kaidan?"

"I…don't see the problem," Garrus finally admitted. "So Kaidan and I were blowing off steam. It's really nobody's business."

Shepard dropped her head in her hands and collapsed into Liara's chair.

"Shit."

"Can someone explain the problem here?" Garrus asked.

"The problem," Liara said, almost gently, "is that humans are…conservative. When it comes to relationships. It is well-known that you are in a relationship with the commander."

Shepard looked up, studying the wall again. The first shock was passing. What she felt now was anger, a killing rage that bubbled and burned in her. She had been betrayed.

"They're going to think he's cheating on her, aren't they," Kaidan said.

"But I'm not!" Garrus protested. "I mean, look at that picture, it's obvious that we're all together."

Liara sighed.

"That…may actually be worse. Humans are not like other races…"

Shepard let their voices fade from her mind as she stalked out of the Shadow Broker's office. Garrus, Kaidan and Liara followed her, but she ignored them.

"Shepard," Liara said in the elevator. "You can't kill her."

"Watch me," Shepard said, and her voice came out robotic.

The elevator stopped at Engineering and she walked down the corridor to the cargo bay. The door slid open in front of her.

Allers didn't even have time to gasp before Shepard had her pinned to the wall by her throat.

"Did you get the story you wanted?" Shepard hissed.

Allers' mouth opened and closed uselessly and her hands scrabbled at Shepard's arm, and Shepard relented enough to let her breathe.

"I didn't-"

"Didn't sell my private life, Diana? Didn't put something that had nothing to do with _anyone_ on the front page of every site on the goddamn extranet?"

Garrus' hand landed on her shoulder, and she snarled at him. But he released her grip on the reporter, who slid to the ground choking.

"Shepard, you can't kill her."

"Garrus, she _betrayed_ us! All of us. The entire _Normandy_. I told her the conditions under which she would be allowed to work on my ship. No covering my private life, I said. No prying about my history, I said. I should have known better than to trust a reporter. Wong was the only decent one. The rest of them are rabid fucking pyjaks."

"Shepard, I didn't post that story!" Allers' voice was hoarse but clear, and Shepard scowled at her.

"I find that hard to believe." Kaidan's voice was flat and cold.

_Good_, Shepard thought. At least someone understood.

"I swear, Shepard. I took the video, yes. But I wasn't going to post it. When I woke up, there it was!"

"I don't believe you. I want you off my ship."

"Shepard, I-"

"Diana," Shepard said. "You're leaving either way. If you shut up now, I might find it within myself to wait until we reach the Citadel before tossing you out on your ass. But one more word out of you, and I swear to _God_ I will let Javik throw you out the airlock!"

She turned on her heel and stormed off.

"Joker," she heard Kaidan say behind her. "Set course to the Citadel. Get Traynor to send a message to the Admiralty that we have been…unavoidably detained."

"On the way," Joker said quietly.

Shepard punched the wall. Hard.

"Fuck," she said, closing her eyes as Liara took the fist and opened her fingers gently. Garrus and Kaidan were at her shoulder, hovering but unsure. She hoped someone could explain to Garrus what all the fuss was about. She had a nasty feeling that it was going to have to be her, though.

"Shepard," Liara said. "This isn't the end of the world, you know."

"I know we have more important things to worry about right now, Liara, I really do. But this…I feel _violated_. And I'm worried about how my superiors are going to react."

"There's not much they can do," Liara said, and the confidence was back in her tone. "You're a Spectre, Kaidan is a Spectre, and Garrus was appointed by Victus himself. Your ranks are equal, and although I understand that you feel you need to defer to Admiral Hackett, the Alliance does not have any true authority over you. They cannot do anything."

"They can try," Kaidan said morosely.

"They are more than welcome to," Liara said, suddenly fierce. "But I believe we may surprise them yet. Do not worry, Shepard. Everything will be all right."

Shepard forced a smile for all of them.

"If you don't mind," she said, "I'd like to be alone."

She walked away slowly, her eyes on her feet.


End file.
